Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. Bad day at the course? his wife asked.
Everything was going fine, he said. Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.
Oh, thats awful!
Youre not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.
Q: How many Wake Forest students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two – one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
Jack and Jill were working in a factory. One day the supervisor approaches Jill and says, Jill. Im afrid Im going to have to lay you or Jack off. Jill replies,Well, you better Jack off because Im too tired.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute stops fucking you after your dead.
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees.
There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling
because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A delegation from the USA came to Norway, and after the grand reception and everything, asked to be taken to the monument of the unknown soldier.
The hosts became very confused, and didnt know what to do – they had no such thing – they feared a diplomatic incident!
Suddenly – one of the hosts said – follow me! So – desperate as they were – they did – they followed him. Suddenly – they came to a hill, on top of which there was a statue of Sibelius.
Puzzled, everyone asked him what was that supposed to be! and so he explained: Sibelius was very very famous as a composer, but as a soldier – he was completely unknown!
Before anybody decides to correct me if i m wrong – DONT CONFUSE ME WITH FACTS!
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp baking powder
lemon juice
1 cup brown sugar
nuts
1 or 2 bottles scotch whiskey
Before you start, sample the scotch to check quality. Good isnt it? Now start baking.
Select a large misking bowl, measuring cup etc.
Check the scotch again, as it must be just right.
To be sure that the scotch is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
And one teaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure the scotch is still OK.
Cry another cup.
Open second bottle if necessary.
Ant tow large leggs, 2 cups dried fruit and beat till high.
If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry loose with drewscriver.
Next, sift three cups of salt or anything, it really doesnt matter.
Sample scotch again.
Sift half cup of lemon juice.
Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babble of brown thugar, or whatever you can see and mix well.
Grease oven and turn cake pan to 180C.
Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake.
Check scotch again and go to bed.
Courtesy of Social Spots Magazine from the Dalmation fanciers in the ACT.
An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.
The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.
Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me.
So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.
The little old lady turned to her husband and said He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!