An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.
Why did God make farts smelly?
So deaf people can enjoy them too!
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:———————————
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00
———————————Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.
He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.Yes? she inquires with a knowing smile, can I help you?I was wondering, whispers the man, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?Yes, she purrs, indeed I am!The man replies Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, Lets break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. Ill tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way.
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
I will tell my saddest story first, he said. I left the room key in the car…
A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands.
Hey, says the Navyman, in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands.
In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands.
Dos amigas se encuentran en una fiesta.
¿Sabes la última? Me caso con tu exnovio.
No me extraña. El dÃa en que terminamos me dijo que iba a hacer alguna pendejada…
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.What are you doing? She asked.Hunting Flies He responded.Oh. Killing any? She asked.Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, he replied.Intrigued, she asked. How can you tell?He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said Moving.
There are these three blondes and they r stuck on and island, 1 of the blondes go kicks something and when she does a genie ops out. the genie says ok i will give u 1 wish each so the first blonde goes says i wish i was 10% smarter so i can get of this island poof she turns into a redhead and swims off the island, the second blonde goes i wish i was 30% smarter so i can get of this island poof she turns in to a brunette and builds a raft and rows off the island, the third one goes i wish i was 100% smarter to get off this island poof she turns into a guy and walks across the bridge!