Old and New Jokes

A woman calls a nother women and asks what the dress code is. I the women on the on the other side of the phone replies very confidential!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

99. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

You should be sure the person is Sardar when he:

Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants
to makeup his mind.
Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
Tries to drown a fish in water.
Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said,
Airport left”, turns around and goes home.
Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.

Police Chief: As a recruit, youll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

Samuel llega al Banco Central con su BMW de 80.000 dólares; apenas entra sale el gerente a recibirlo pues es el cliente más importante del banco.

Si, señor Samuel, ¿qué desea? pregunta el gerente con entusiasmo.

Necesito un prestamo.

Pero no lo puedo creer, con todo el dinero que tiene en depósito.

No importa, necesito el préstamo o me llevo la plata a otro banco.

Noo por favor señor Samuel, usted dirá cuanto necesita.

Necesito que me prestes un dolar por un mes.

El gerente lo mira extrañado: ¡Un dolar!

Sí, un dolar. ¡Si no, retiro todo el dinero y me voy a otro banco!

Está bien, no se me enoje señor samuel, vamos a hacer los papeles y ya puede pasar por caja.

El interés es 3% ¿no? así que te tengo que devolver 1,03 dólares ¿verdad? Bueno, pues quiero que me tomes el BMW en garantía por un mes hasta que devuelva el préstamo.

Pero no hace falta, dice el gerente.

Nada. Me tomas el BMW o me enojo.

No no, está bien. Déjelo en la cochera del banco en el segundo piso, y lo viene a buscar el mes entrante.

Sale Samuel contento del Banco y llama por el celular a su esposa; Rebeca, sabes que ya podemos hacer ese viaje a Europa; conseguí cochera barata a 1,03 dólares todo el mes.

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
…

1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage a trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate
with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the
woman and started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the
woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of
feminism. But at least its not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and
setting up a distillery. They dont remember if sex is in the picture,
cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey,
but at least they know the English arent getting any…

What is total agony? A one-armed man hanging from a twenty story

building, with a serious case of jock itch.

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream

MY PACEMAKER!

3. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

4. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student

and scream YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

5. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a

question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, The Professor cant

hear you, youll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy.

6. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them

your piece of chalk, and ask, Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.

Smartypants?

7. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses

with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering

tsk, tsk.

8. Ask students to call you Tinkerbell or Surfin Bird.

9. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether

your butt looks fat.

10. Play Kumbaya on the banjo.

11. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.

Giggle throughout it.

12. Announce youll need this, and write the suicide prevention

hotline number on the board.

13. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

14. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Browns

Sex Machine.

15. Ask occasional questions, but mutter as if you gibbering simps

would know and move on before anyone can answer.

16. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by

the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

17. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead

of you as you pace back and forth.

18. Address students as worm.

19. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a

single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any

moment.

20. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping,

and begin singing spirituals.

21. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a

waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

22. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each students

name, rank, and serial number.

23. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and

announce that the lectures over when the bottles done.

24. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks

a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

25. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space

for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your

sentence and proceed normally.

26. Wear a virtual reality helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a

question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your

hands.

27. Mention in passing that youre wearing rubber underwear.

28. Growl constantly and address students as matey.

29. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite

numbers and ask students to sit back and groove.

30. Announce that last years students have almost finished their class

projects.

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg.The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, Now its my turn to punch you.The Scotsman said, Keep the lousy egg.

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, Ive got news for you. Youre going straight to hell!

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, Man, Im on the wrong bus!