Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Did you hear the latest theory about Monica Lewinsky?
It may never be proven but they think she may be the youngest woman to have
ever held the Presidency.
A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said OK, OK. You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit? The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… how much steel! No. Think of another wish. The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing… know how to make them truly happy… The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?
A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running
along the road.
The woman said,
Sweetheart, lets do the same thing we did here thirty years ago.
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!
The woman says, thirty years ago that fence wasnt electrified!
Tres locos escapan del manicomio y corren como alma que lleva el diablo, duran horas y horas corriendo, hasta que agotados se sientan en la acera a descansar. Una persona pasa por el lugar y al verlos tan cansados les pregunta:
¿Oigan, por qué están tan agitados?
Y los locos contestan:
Es que nos escapamos del manicomio.
Pero si estamos frente a la reja, y ademas allà vienen los celadores para regresarlos.
Y los locos, sin preocuparse le responden:
Vaya, no importa, les llevamos como 100 vueltas de ventaja.
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.
A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!
Sex in a boat – oar-gasms. Sex with a nerd – dork-gasms. Sex at the entrance to your house – door-gasms. Sex on carpet or linoleum – floor-gasms. Sex at the supermarket – store-gasms. Sex at a Steven King Movie – horror-gasms. Sex with a prostitute – whore-gasms. Sex with an accountant – bore-gasms. Sex while sleeping – snore-gasms. Sex with Arthur – Dudley Moore-gasms. Sex with cartoon donkeys – Eyeore-gasms. Sex while broke – poor-gasms. Sex with a lion – roar-gasms. Sex for hours and hours on end – sore-gasms. Sex on a golf course – fore-gasms. Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) – more-gasms. Sex in a gold mine – ore-gasms. Sex with a dermatologist – pore-gasms. Sex with a politician – Al Gore-gasms. Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers – smore-gasms. Sex with a bullfighter – toreador-gasms. Sex with a masked man carrying a sword – zorro-gasms. Sex on the beach – shore-gasms. Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet – smorgasbord-gasms. Sex on a cruise ship deck – shuffleboard-gasms. Sex in asia – Singapore-gasms. Sex among the wonders of nature – outdoor-gasms. Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can – odor-gasms. Sex on the way to the train – All Aboard-gasms. Sex that wasnt very satisfying – Theres the door-gasms. Sex in an adult theater – hard-core-gasms. Sex with someone whos not paying attention – ignore-gasms. Sex with a competitive partner – score-gasms. Sex while flying – soar-gasms. Sex with a beloved partner – adore-gasms. Sex with a meat-eater – carnivore-gasms. Sex with a person whos got a really bad hairdo – pompadore-gasms. Sex with someone whos got bad taste in clothes – velour-gasms. Sex while travelling – tour-gasms. Sex with a big dog – labrador-gasms. Sex with Beavis and Butthead – GonnaScore-gasms. Sex on stairs at the mall – escalator-gasms. Sex with three of your friends – four-gasms. Sex with a norse God – Thor-gasms. Sex when resistance is futile – Borg-gasms.