Old and New Jokes

"God," said Adam, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?""So you would love her.""But why did you make her so dumb?""So she would love you."

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oldest Son!
Oldest Son who?
Oldest Son shines bright on my old Kentucky home…!

Un hombre y una mujer estaban enfrascados en una discusión acerca de quién experimenta más placer durante el coito, si el hombre o la mujer. El tipo afirmaba que el hombre es el que siente más satisfacción. La mujer pregunta:

Si tienes comezón en el conducto interno de la oreja y te rascas con el dedo meñique, la comezón desaparece. ¿Dónde sientes mayor placer: en la oreja o en el dedo?

En la oreja, desde luego.

¡Ah! ¿Verdad?

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Whats a lightbulb?
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, Daaady!

There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes & they were chanting 44 days! 44 days! One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, Why are you chanting 44 days? She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!

Connorsvill,Wisconsin:

It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

Willowdale, Oregon:

It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.

Oblong, Illinois:

It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

(Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)

Alexandria, Minnesota:

No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.

Ames, Iowa:

A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other— or holding her in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana:

Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if they are nude.

Newcastle, Wyoming:

An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a stores walk-in-meat freezer.

Illinois:

A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

Norfolk, Virginia:

A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called corset inspector.

Merryville, Missouri:

Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.

(This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, Hallelujah! or puke.)

Helena, Montana:

Law mandates that a woman cant dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Carlsbad, New Mexico:

Its legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.

Florida:

State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Cleveland, Ohio:

Woman arent allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something he oughtnt.

Tremont, Utah

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and her name is to be published in the local newspaper. The man isnt charged nor is his name revealed.

A little girl at the zoo asks her father, Whats that hanging down from the elephant?

Thats his trunk, the father replies.

No! The other thing, persisted the little girl.

Oh. Thats the elephants penis.

The little girl replied, Hmmm. How come when I asked Mom she said it was nothing?

Well… your Mother is a very spoiled woman.

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. So, how did you do son? he asked.

Youll never believe it! Billy said. I was responsible for the winning run!

Really? Howd you do that?

I dropped the ball.

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, Now how can I tell my wife that Ive got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? Ive managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but shes bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, Now how do I tell my husband that Ive got really bad breath? Ive been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as hes lived with me for a week, hes bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, Darling, Ive a confession to make.

And she says, So have I, love.

To which he replies, Dont tell me, youve eaten my socks.

When the Arks door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. Listen up! Noah said with a demanding voice. There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wifes cage and was very excited. Quick! he said, Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, Sorry, no land yet.
Darn it!, exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?

LOOK!, said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper…
I GOT THE HORSES RECEIPT!!