Old and New Jokes

Ever since Eve gave Adam the apple, there has been a misunderstanding between the sexes about gifts.

— Nan Robertson

Mrs P goes to a fortune teller and has her palm read. Theres a disaster coming into your life. Your husband is going to die soon.

I know, says Mrs P, but will I get the death penalty?

Q: What do you get when a blonde and a gang member have a kid?

A: A juvenile delinquent that sprays grafitti on chain-link fences.

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk whats wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply… The word is CELEBRATE!

A policeman pulled Bhola over after he had been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Bhola: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad cause all the people were leaving.

Va un hombre por la playa con su mujer, y ella le pide que le compre un bikini, a lo que él le dice:

Con ese cuerpo de lavadora, ni lo pienses.

Siguen caminando y le insiste la mujer:

Bueno cómprame ese vestido.

Y repite el esposo: Con ese cuerpo de lavadora ni lo pienses.

Pasa el día y por la noche, ya en la cama, el marido le dice a la esposa:

Entonces que, vieja ¿echamos a andar la lavadora?

Y la mujer le dice:

Para ese mugre trapito, mejor lávalo a mano.

Un sábado, tres amigos que acostumbran jugar golf juntos están listos para iniciar la partida cuando se les acerca un solitario jugador que les pregunta si podría acompañarlos. Los amigos se ven las caras y deciden aceptarlo:

Con gusto, venga con nosotros.

A unos dos hoyos de haber comenzado, los compañeros no pueden resistir la curiosidad y, entablando conversación con el extraño, le preguntan qué hace para ganarse la vida.

Soy un eliminador.

Los tres camaradas comenzaron a reír.

No, de verdad, continuó el extraño, soy un eliminador. Elimino gente; mi arma está en el saco de palos. La llevo conmigo a todas partes. Si quieren, le pueden dar un vistazo.

Uno de los amigos decide verificar la historia y, al abrir el saco, ve un rifle con una enorme mira telescópica. Asombrado, comenta:

¡Qué pieza, apuesto que podría ver mi casa con esto! ¿Puedo probar?

Seguro, contesta el eliminador.

Así que el hombre mira por un segundo a través de la mira telescópica y exclama:

¡Vaya que si se puede ver mi casa! Hasta veo a mi mujer desnuda en el cuarto. ¿No es hermosa? ¡Un momento, también está mi vecino! ¡Y desnudo!

Totalmente alterado, le pide al eliminador que lo ayude a limpiar su honor. El matón le contesta:

Me pagan 10 mil dólares cada vez que jalo el gatillo.

¡¿Diez mil?! Es mucho, pero esto no lo soporto. Tiene que hacer dos eliminaciones: una a mi mujer, justo en la boca, porque nunca para de hablar; otra al tipo ése, en los genitales, para que aprenda a respetar a las mujeres de los demás.

El eliminador accede; se prepara y observa detenidamente a través de la mira telescópica, hasta que unos cinco minutos después, el individuo agraviado, impaciente, le reclama:

¿Qué espera? ¡No aguanto más! ¡¿Por qué no dispara de una buena vez?!

Sólo un poco más. Estoy a punto de ahorrarle diez mil…

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.


Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, Im not a John Kerry fan.

The teacher says, Why arent you a John Kerry fan?

Johnny says, Im a George Bush fan.

The teacher asks why hes a George Bush fan.

The boy says, Well, my moms a George Bush fan and my dads a George Bush fan, so Im a George Bush fan!

The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?

Johnny says, That would make me a John Kerry fan.

An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign
exchange
to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps and after a quick
calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with a typical service
smile and Have a nice day!

The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with another wad
of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000Rps and put his hand out for
his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.

He questiond bitterly Ooh! vy less !!??

Whereupon the cashier replied Fluctuations!
He screamed back FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO!
Im going back to Delhi!!!

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

Im afraid I dont have a husband she replies. O.K. do you have a boyfriend? asks the Midwife. No, no boyfriend either.

Do you have a partner then? No, Im unattached, Ill be having my baby on my own.

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black

Well, replies the girl. I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.

Oh, Im very sorry, says the midwife, thats really none of my business and Im sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.

Well yes, the girl again replies, you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?

Oh, Im sorry, the midwife repeats, thats really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.

Well yes, continues the girl, I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, Thank God for that! What do you mean? says the midwife, shocked.

WHEW! says the girl extremely relieved… I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!