Old and New Jokes

An Indian lady visiting France goes to a restaurant and looks at the menu. She finds the design on the menu card appealing and decides to knit the design for a sweater. She completes knitting it in a couple of days while still in France. She wears it for a walk, but is surprised when everyone starts laughing at her. She couldnt understand why, so she asks one of them the reason. She is told that the design on her sweater is not a design, but French that means, Fresh milk available here.

Youre trapped in a cave with a cobra, grizzly, killer bees, and a lawyer. You have a gun that only has 2 bullets. What do you do?

You shoot the lawyer, and then shoot him again to make sure hes dead.

what is the difference between a jewish mother and a vulture?

a vulture waits till your dead before it eats your heart out.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I dont understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? Maam, the officer replies, You werent speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour! the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Maam, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? these women seem awfully shaken and they havent muttered a single peep this whole time. the officer asks. Oh, theyll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.

Painless dentist, indeed! Why, hes no different from any other dentist Ive been to!

Why, did he hurt you?

No, but he screamed when I bit his finger.

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, Dad! Ive
found a woman just like mother
His father replied, So what do you want? sympathy?

An usher in a very posh theater noticed a man sprawled across three seats.

Sorry, sir, the usher said, but youre only allowed one seat.

The man groaned but didnt budge.

The usher became impatient and said, Sir, if you dont get up from there Im going to have to call the manager.

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, All right buddy, the manager said, whats your name?

Sam, the man moaned.

Where did you come from, Sam?

With pain in his voice, Sam replied, The balcony.

Why Dogs dont surf the web…



Cant stick their heads out of Windows 2000.

Too difficult to mark every website they visit.

Cant help attacking the screen when they hear Youve Got Mail.

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway theyre browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

Cause dogs aint GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…

Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.

Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.

Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

Did you hear about the [ethnic] who was tap dancing?

He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

I lived in DC when I was young, and dad used to take us on weekend
trips south into the Carolinas, so that we could see what real
life was like. Hed just drive along the road for a while, then
pull over at some farm and start talking to the people there.

Dad was chatting up a farmers wife once, when I discovered this pig…

It was a nice pig, as pigs go. But it only had three legs. The right
back leg was wooden! Well, I was as curious as could be, so I asked
the farmer:

Excuse me, sir. Why does your pig have a wooden leg?

Well, boy. That there is a courageous pig. The wife and me were asleep
in the house one night, when that pig came running in and woke us up.
The whole place was ablaze. We just got out alive.

And the pig got its leg burned up in the fire?

Nope. Pig got out just fine. Matter of fact, he even went back in
and saved the kids.

Then why does the pig have a wooden leg?

I told you, boy. That is a BRAVE pig! A heroic pig! That pig saved
our lives!

Yes, sir. But why does he have a wooden leg?

Boy, a pig like that, you dont eat all in one sitting!

-Bil