Old and New Jokes

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where

the sun went? It finally dawned on her.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they cant see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.



Honey, she signs, Why dont we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.



The husband thinks this is a great idea and signsback to his wife, Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.



If you dont want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 100 times

Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I dont brag to my buddies about my erections

I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt

my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I dont go around readjusting my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind

Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb

Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball

I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I wont tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early

weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is

one, you should be sure to email your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an

afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and

humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe

squall or cold shoulder.


During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a

knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation

of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift

across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots

on the other. Please pass the gravy.


A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for

the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the

beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and

taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the

refrigerator.


Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat

sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be

expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup

late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup

develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as

the only wish left will be the bone.

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five
each other. * During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. * He tells you that his last good case was a
Budweiser. * He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose. * During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. * He asks a hostile witness to pull my finger. * Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the
stand! and proceeds to drink a shot. * He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. * He places a large No Refunds sign on the defense table

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the banks underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The business man replied: Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?

***The Rules Of Bedroom Golf!***

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.

Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary

until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been

properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all

times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course

to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of,

alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission

before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Why do the Irish call their basic currency the Punt?

Because it rhymes with bank manager, and… did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?

He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

Patient: Doctor, people tell me Im a wheelbarrow. Psychiatrist: Dont let people push you around.

What is Black and White, and Red all over?

Answer: A Skunk with a diaper rash.