Al Gores New Program….
Al Gore was entertaining Joe Leiberman and decided to show off his new home. Upon entering the bedroom, Joe noticed a very large wooden box with 5 empty beer cans and about $1500.00 in cash.
Out of curiosity, Joe asked AL, I see youre a beer drinker, I am too! you see, we DO have something in common
With a condescending voice, Al quipped, yes, of course we do Joe
Joe then asked Al, why the 5 empty cans and all that cash
Al gladly told Joe about his new program. Joe, since last month, I have decided to turn a new leaf and become a more accountable person, while at the same time rewarding myself for my efforts. Whenever I tell a lie, I drink a beer and put the can in this box
Thats really impressive, Joe replied, only 5 beer cans in a whole month, but tell me, where did all that cash come from?
Without missing a beat, Al responded, Whenever the box gets full of beer cans, I take it down to the recycling center, you know how concerned I am about environmental issues
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
An outboard banana!
- Pickpockets put hands in strangers pockets to keep warm
- You can walk across frozen East River, and see dozens of mob informants beneath you
- Taxi drivers wear turbans with ear flaps
- Mike Wallace and Morley Safer are constantly hugging
- The hookers have on long-johns
- Chemicals that make up the Hudson River have congealed into a thick greenish paste
- Whenever a bike messenger gets hit by a cab, he shatters into a million tiny pieces
- Headline in New York Post: Man Stabbed in Midtown for CBS Earmuffs (Dave dialed up the bank of pay phones down the street from the theater and had two people run down to meet him inside. Because of the cold, he gave one of them a set of earmuffs with the CBS logo on each ear)
- You can see peoples breath when they yell Screw you!
- Everyones wearing pants
A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded off.
The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example of him.
He said to his congregation, All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand. The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher said even more loudly, And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!
The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that he was the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he said, I dont know what were voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!
The item below was sent to me by a colleague.
The lady I work with at the Red Cross told me this today. In light of your up-coming long flight, I thought you might take this as a warning!!
Last Spring, Sandra & her husband went to Switzerland with a number of people from his company. The flight was 9 hours long.
A man towards the rear of the plane, not from their group, drank a lot, and then fell asleep … with his bare foot stuck between the seats in front of him.
The young ladies (from Sandras group) were dismayed, to say the least, but were unable to get the mans foot removed. After considering several alternatives, they decided how to get revenge for the mans rude behavior.
One of the ladies got out her nail polish and they proceeded to paint his toe nails a bright pink. In the morning, he apparently was still too groggy to notice the condition of his foot.
The ladies were a bit disappointed to miss out on his reaction to their prank, but took consolation in picturing him at home – wondering and trying to explain how he happened to have his toe nails painted.
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/hes not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years.
You might be a redneck if…
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
Well the guy says, I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We cant be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say happy birthday, happy birthday!
The bartender asks so which one died?
No one.
But you only ordered two drinks!
Yeah, well, Ive given up drinking.