Old and New Jokes

WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS

Some folks have it, some dont. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who dont have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who dont have it may agree that its a nifty toy, but think its not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who dont have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. Its more fun when its up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once youve started playing with it, its hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didnt have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes its hard to tell what kind of person youre dealing with until its too late.

If you dont apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, youll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself Why on earth did I do that?

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks Santa, will you stay with me?

Santa says, Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, yknow!

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks Santa, now will you stay with me?

Santa says, Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, yknow!

She takes off everything and asks Santa, now will you stay with me?

Santa replies Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay!

I cant get up the chimney with my dick this way!

La muchacha que ayuda a la señora de la casa se dispone a arreglar la cama de sus patrones, cuando descubre en medio de las sábanas un condón usado. Espantada corre con la señora a informar el hallazgo: ¡Siñora, siñora!, venga a ver loqui incontré.

La señora, un poco asustada, la acompaña y tras reconocer el objeto dice: ¡Ay María, qué ignorante eres! ¿Qué en tu pueblo no hacen el amor? Sí siñora, ¡pero no hasta despellejarnos!

Esto sucede en un colectivo de la ciudad de Buenos Aires. En una de las paradas sube una señora con sus siete hijos y ve que no hay lugar; de repente, al final del colectivo ve a un tipo estirado ocupando cuatro asientos y la señora le dice:

Señor, si usted encogiera las piernas un poco habría lugar para todos.

A lo que el señor le responde:

Sí, pero si usted hubiera cerrado las piernas también habría lugar para todos…

A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldnt get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards.

Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard.



As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees hes got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.



Hey! said the hunter, Come back with my duck!



Your duck? says the farmer, It was lying dead in my barnyard; its MY duck.



No! No! You dont understand!, shouts the hunter, I shot it and it just happened to fall here. Its mine!



Okay, city fella. Well settle this the country way, says the farmer.



Country way? Whats that? says the hunter.



We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can, says the farmer. Last man standing wins the duck…. That is, unless youre Yella.



Of course Im not yellow, says the hunter.



Fine. Country way it is, says the farmer. Since were on my property, Ill go first.



With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly pass out.



After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, Now… my… turn!



The farmer reply: Nah, I give up. Heres your duck.

Ed called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
Hello? said a little girls voice. Hi, honey, its Daddy, said Ed. Is Mommy near the phone?
No, Daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.
After a brief pause, Ed said, But you dont have an Uncle Frank, honey!
Yes, I do. Hes upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!
Okay, then. Heres what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house.
Okay, Daddy!
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone.
Well, I did what you said, Daddy.
And what happened?
Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now shes all dead.
Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?
He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now hes dead too.
There was a long pause, then Ed said, Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?

1. Se nace cansado y se vive para descansar.

2. Ama a tu cama como a tí mismo.

3. Descansa de día para que puedas dormir de noche.

4. Si ves que alguien descansa, ¡Ayúdalo!

5. El trabajo es cansancio.

6. No hagas hoy lo que puedas hacer mañana.

7. Haz lo menos que puedas y deja que lo hagan otros.

8. De mucho descansar nadie se murió.

9. Si quieres trabajar, siéntate, y espera a que se te pase.

10. Si el trabajo es salud, ¡Viva la enfermedad!

Because of the pepper spray.

Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?

A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

The teacher decided she would write a history question on the blackboard every Thursday afternoon, and whoever answered it correctly could take Friday off from school. On the first Thursday she wrote, Who said, Give me liberty or give me death? No one seemed to know, until a little Japanese boy said, Patrick Henry, 1775.

Very good! the teacher said. You can take off tomorrow, and well see you Monday.

The next week she wrote on the board, Who said, Fourscore and seven years ago? No one seemed to know, until a little Japanese girl said, Abraham Lincoln, 1865.

Very good! the teacher said. Now you can take off tomorrow, and well see you Monday.

Well, the next Thursday, as she was getting ready to write this weeks question on the board she said, Now the last two weeks our history questions have been answered by children who were not even born in this country. You other children should be ashamed of yourselves. Now I want one of you to answer this weeks question.

But just as she turned to begin writing, Little Johnny hollered out from the back, Screw the Japs!

The teacher turned around and demanded, Who said that?

Little Johnny jumped up and said, Harry Truman, 1945. See ya Monday!