Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

Accountants who dont understand how much it costs to make me look this cheap
Trying to play guitar with three-inch fingernails
When the country declares my hair a fire hazard
Confused Dalai Lama constantly asking for theme park royalties
You cant get a wig repaired because Lettermans got some kind of hairpiece crisis
Rhinestone rash
Whenever he visits my gift shop, Garth Brooks tries to shoplift stuff under that big hat
Smartass emcees who introduce you by saying, and now here they are – Dolly Parton!
When the Super Bowl is over, winner never says, Im goin to Dollywood
Nobody notices Ive got a great ass, too

Two nuns are riding on a motorcycle.

The one in back says to the driver, Sister Mary Ellen, have you ever come this way before?

The one in front replies: No! It must be the cobblestones!

and then there was…

Two nuns where in the shower.

One says Wheres the soap?

The second says Yes it does doesnt it

Monday8:05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?8:12am Accounting called to say they couldnt access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, Well, it works for me. Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer… 8:14 am User from 8:05 call said they received error message Error accessing Drive C. Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The Myst and Doom nationals are this weekend!11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */ALL.12:00 pm Lunch3:30 pm Return from lunch.3:55 pm Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.4:23 pm Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set theyre using. Tell them to call back when they find out.4:55 pm Decide to run Create Save/Replication Conflicts macro so next shift has something to do.

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, Tomorrow rain.

The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, Tomorrow storm.

The next day there was a hailstorm.

This Indian is incredible, said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.

However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didnt show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him.

I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow, said the director, and Im depending on you. What will the weather be like?

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. Dont know, he said. Radio broken.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

169. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, Let me in. Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.

Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings – make sure to use your hands!Ask the host, Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.Cough all over guests, then exclaim, Doctor says a few more years and Ill be cured…Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too)

I saw this in the For Sale column of our local newspaper…
( some parts have been censored 😉

Cemetary Plot, No. XXX, C of E Section,
XXXXXXXX Cemetary, $150. Phone XXX XXXX

I wondered if it was used or if the seller had decided not to go after all.

johnd@physiol.su.oz

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.

Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.



Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.



The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.