Old and New Jokes

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother Johns wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, Im so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, Hell no! Fact is Im sort of glad to be rid of her.

She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.

Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.

She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.

Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.

I warned them that she wasnt very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway.

The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.

The old woman fainted.

Q: Why do blondes have “TGIF” on their shoes?

A: “Toes go in first.”

There is a drunk driver. He goes and hits a car with a woman driving it. Whos fault is it?

The Womans, she should of never left the kitchen!

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, I bet you dont know what day this is.Of course I do, he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldnt wait for her husband to come home!First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! she exclaimed. Ive never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

You might be a redneck if, your wifes hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan!

You might be a redneck if, you refuse to slide during a softball game because you dont want to crush your cigarettes!

You might be a redneck if, youre mowing your lawn and find a car.

You might be a redneck If, you were shooting pool when any of your children were born!

You might be a redneck if, you were conceived, born and taught on a pool table.

You might be a redneck if, the interviewer asks, Did you know that we are a Fortune 500 Company? And you answer, What track do yall sponsor that race at? I aint been to that one yet.

You might be a redneck If, youve ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog!

You are a redneck if your prom date is your brother, or if you went to the prom in your fathers pickup truck!

You might be a Redneck if you use the same tree your dog does!

Q: Whats the difference between a politician and $20



A: $20 can do something for you

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the citys major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

Yes?

Excuse me, sir, the jogger said, do you have the time? The man looked at the car clock and answered, 8:15. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?

8:25!

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, I do not know the time! Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

Sir, sir? Its 8:45!.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but try saying that with a picture.

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.

As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. Its not proper to walk around without any panties on.

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest hands the lady $1 and says…

Lady, take this money and for Gods sake, go buy yourself a razor!

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a cars hood. male: The strap fastener on a womans bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up ones self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with ones partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger. male: what you slap when someones scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with ones girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.