The 2000 Darwin awards!
(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A.
Hes stopped in traffic and thinks, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; were not even moving.
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, Excuse me, officer, whats the hold-up?
O.J. just found out the verdict, and hes all depressed. Hes lying down in the middle of the highway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesnt have $8.5 million for the Goldmans. Im walking around taking up a collection for him.
The man says, Oh really, how much have you collected so far.
The officer replies, So far, ten gallons.
The events of Sept. 11th have prompted a security overhaul for the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City.
Among the measures:
Testing athletes urine for traces of terrorism
Eliminating Mens 200m Embassy Bomb event
Turning Salt Lake City into hyper-paranoid, walled-off religious compound
Assigning athletes from Arab nations around-the-clock security buddy
All open flames to be immediately extinguished
Investigating any and all reports of fine white powder
Strictly prohibiting foreigners from Olympic village
Warning athletes not to make any sudden movements
Hoping that terrorists, like everyone else, have no desire to visit Salt Lake City
© Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes! she exclaimed.
No, said the genie, You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.
Lets see, says Monica, I dont need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I dont need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, Ill have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, thats it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed.
Poof!And just like that… her ears were gone.
One bright day
In the middle of the night
Two dead mean
Got up to fight
Back to back
They faced each other
Drawed their swords
And shot each other
If you dont believe
This lie is true
Ask the blind man
He saw it too.
There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in
all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the
future.
In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All
consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving
only an extended Eauuuuuuuuuuuu… Meaning will be inferred from
facial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same.
These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate
to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.
In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other
vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.
Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other
alphabets in the world.
The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin
alphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translating
Russian into Polish.
Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus
a verb at the end, of course.
A Jewish boy was sent to a Catholic school by his folks. Of course, he had no idea of who Jesus, Joseph, or Mary were, and on the first day of school, he got punished by the teacher for not knowing such basic things.
Hearing upon his story, his mother soothed him, and said, Dont worry, son. Ill sew the answers to those questions on your collar, and every time your teacher asks you a question, all you have to do is to peek at your collar.
And so she sewed the answers on her sons collar.
The following day, the teacher came up to him, and asked him, Who is the Holy Virgin?
The boy peeked at his collar and replied, Mary.
The teacher seemed a little bit surprised, but continued on. And who is her husband? After another peek at the collar, he replied, Joseph.
Why, very good son, the teacher commented.
And for the last one, said the teacher. Who is their son?
The boy peeked again at his collar and replied confidently, Arrow!
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.