Old and New Jokes

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

This was heard on Atlanta radio station as one of the cures for boredom while
sitting around the house over the summer:

Shave your neighbors cat and go ask him if he has had his house tested
for radon gas yet.

A young woman has just undressed to step into the shower when the doorbell
rings. She goes to the door and says, Who is it?

Blind man, comes the reply.

So instead of going back to the bathroom for her robe, she opens the door.

Hmmm.. nice body, lady. Where do you want the blinds?

A marine is sitting at the bar and a striking redhead sits down next to him. He gives her a cursory look, smiles and continues to nurse his beer. Five minutes later he glances at his watch and the redhead – wondering why she had not been hit upon – asked, Are you waiting for your girlfriend! No, he responded. This is not merely a watch. It is a sensory pickup and I can tell things about other people, like …. well, the fact that youre not wearing panties! The redhead smiled and said, Well, you had best get it fixed because I am wearing panties! The marine looked at his watch and replied, Hmmmm! It seems to be running about an hour fast!

• Yo mamas so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
• Yo mamas so fat, shes got more Chins than a Chinese phone book.
• Yo mamas so dumb, when I told her I wanted color TV, she said, What
  color?

• Yo mamas so stupid, when the computer said Press any key to
  continue, she couldnt find Any key.

• Yo mamas so ugly, you could hef face in dough and make monster cookies.
• Yo mamas so fat when she sits around the house, she sits around the
  house.

• Yo mamas so poor when I saw Her kicking a can down the street, I asked
  her what she was doing, she said, Moving.

• Yo mamas so stupid, she thinks Taco bell is the Mexican phone company.
• Yo mamas so fat, she cant even jump to a conclusion.
• Yo mamas so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes.
• Yo mamas so old that when she was in school there was no history
  class.

• Yo mamas so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said
  Guess so she said Levis.

• Yo mamas so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, Ding.
• Yo mamas so ugly, she went to a haunted house and came out with job
  application.

• Yo mamas so fat, she stepped on a scale and it read to be continued.
• Yo mamas so old, she has autographed Bible.
• Yo mamas so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• Yo mamas so stupid she went to Disneyworld and saw a sign that said
  Disneyworld Left so she went home.

• Yo mamas so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
• Yo mamas so dumb, when she was asked on a application, Sex?, she
  marked, M, F and sometimes Wednesday too.

• Yo mamas so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
• Yo mamas so fat, when she put a yellow raincoat on, people said,
  Taxi!

• Yo mamas so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
• Yo mamas so stupid, she died before the police arrived because she
  couldnt find the 11 button for 9-1-1.

• Yo mamas so fat, she couldnt fit in a satellite photo.
• Yo mamas so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece of
  wood.

• Yo mamas so old, powder milk comes out her tits.
• Yo mamas so fat, she could sell shade.

Colleague swears these are true, happened on flights he was on …

Cabin attendant – Good morning, as we leave Dallas. Its warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where its dark, windy and raining, and why in the world yall wanna go there I really dont know.

Pilot – Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… its a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

Pilot – Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you cant get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day.

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money
as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a
zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a
gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will
fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get
another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before
crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play
and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on
tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion
in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he
climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the
top to the lions cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being
such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds
grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is
dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The
lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins
to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime
starts screaming and yelling, Help, Help me!, but the lion is quick and
pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and
the lion says, Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University
of Pennsylvania. Author unknown.

Contractor – A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

Bid Opening – A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Bid – A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Low Bidder – A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

Engineers Estimate – The cost of construction in heaven.

Project Manager – The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician
is in a different union.

Critical Path Method – A management technique for losing your shirt
under perfect control.

OSHA – A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print,
red tape, split hairs and baloney–usually applied at
random with a shotgun.

Strike – An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed Payment – A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Completion Date – The point at which liquidated damages begin.

Liquidated Damages – A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

Auditor – Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the
wounded.

Lawyer – Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.

50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden…

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If Youre Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss

Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.

Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, Doesnt that sound a lot like a B-52?

Ask him if hes looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satans favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.

Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.

Order him ten Dominos pizzas with extra ham topping.

Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you havent seen Sex and the City for weeks.

Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.

Switch all the CDs in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, hell actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.

Mine his bathroom.

Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about spots.

Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.

Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.

Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.

Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.

Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise youll get to, kick his ass every day for eternity.

Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.

Refer to him as Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden.

Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.

Tell him its lovely what hes done with his cave, but that itd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

Claim you once saw him at a Hooters in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.

Ask him if he wouldnt mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.

Tell him that this is the worst pajama party youve ever attended.

Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.

Mix up his Rubiks Cube.

Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.

Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

Run your finger along his credenza, and say, tsk, tsk if theres dust.

Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.

Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.

Ask him if hes pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd Jihad.

Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!

Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.

They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of whos having a baby on Friends.

Warn him that youre in a New York state of mind.

Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether theyve ever thought of modeling.

Ask him, Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles? just in case hell be caught off guard and answer correctly.

Give him a noogie or a wedgie. If theres actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a swirlie.*

Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.

Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your holy lands and blow up his hotels.

Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.

Offer to take him clubbing in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.

Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.

Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.

When you leave, wave and say, Shalom!

copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss

One day superman is flynig over a city and he sees Wonderwoman sleeping on top of a bulding nude. Superman says to himself Im faster than a speeding bullet i can do her like that! So he goes down and does her and then flys away. 5 minutes later Wonderwoman wakes up and says What happened? Invisible Boy says i dont know but my ass hurts