Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your stall warning horn plays Dixie.
Your cross country flight plan uses Flea Markets as check points.
You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
Youve ever used moonshine as avgas.
You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
You constantly confuse Beechnut with Beechcraft.
The NTSB report quotes you as saying, Hey yall, watch this! just before uncontrolled descent into terrain.
Youve ever taxied around the airport drinking beer.
You use a Purina Sack as a windsock.
You fuel your aircraft from a mason jar.
You wouldnt be caught dead flying a Grumman Yankee.
You refer to Flying in Formation as, We got ourselves a convoy!
There is a sign on the side of your airplane advertising your cousins septic tank service.
The set of matched luggage you take on cross contry flights is three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly.

One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says, You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember, she says. I am going to treat you like a king!

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her… Honey? he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husbands dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again. Honey? he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, Oh sure!…

Youre not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

Yo mama is so stupid she went to the Empire State Building, threw off a penguin and yelled, Fly! Fly!!

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialled at random..

Salvation Army came the answer.

What do you do?

asked the man.

We save wicked men and women, came the reply.

Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. Its for my husband, she tells the clerk.

Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. He doesnt even know that Im going to shoot him!

You might be a redneck if…
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road.

As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.

The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting, Hey! Didnt you hear me? Im a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.

The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated. I dont get it. Why wont you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.

The guy says, Look, Im a computer geek. I dont have time for girls.

But a talking frog is cool!

INTERNET woman:
Woman of difficult access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she cant do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
D.O.S woman:
Everyone had her at least once, but no one wants her anymore.
VIRUS woman:
Also known as wife; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you dont try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOR EVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
USER woman:
She fucks up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are bullshit.