Old and New Jokes

Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.

A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!

Sex in a boat – oar-gasms. Sex with a nerd – dork-gasms. Sex at the entrance to your house – door-gasms. Sex on carpet or linoleum – floor-gasms. Sex at the supermarket – store-gasms. Sex at a Steven King Movie – horror-gasms. Sex with a prostitute – whore-gasms. Sex with an accountant – bore-gasms. Sex while sleeping – snore-gasms. Sex with Arthur – Dudley Moore-gasms. Sex with cartoon donkeys – Eyeore-gasms. Sex while broke – poor-gasms. Sex with a lion – roar-gasms. Sex for hours and hours on end – sore-gasms. Sex on a golf course – fore-gasms. Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) – more-gasms. Sex in a gold mine – ore-gasms. Sex with a dermatologist – pore-gasms. Sex with a politician – Al Gore-gasms. Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers – smore-gasms. Sex with a bullfighter – toreador-gasms. Sex with a masked man carrying a sword – zorro-gasms. Sex on the beach – shore-gasms. Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet – smorgasbord-gasms. Sex on a cruise ship deck – shuffleboard-gasms. Sex in asia – Singapore-gasms. Sex among the wonders of nature – outdoor-gasms. Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can – odor-gasms. Sex on the way to the train – All Aboard-gasms. Sex that wasnt very satisfying – Theres the door-gasms. Sex in an adult theater – hard-core-gasms. Sex with someone whos not paying attention – ignore-gasms. Sex with a competitive partner – score-gasms. Sex while flying – soar-gasms. Sex with a beloved partner – adore-gasms. Sex with a meat-eater – carnivore-gasms. Sex with a person whos got a really bad hairdo – pompadore-gasms. Sex with someone whos got bad taste in clothes – velour-gasms. Sex while travelling – tour-gasms. Sex with a big dog – labrador-gasms. Sex with Beavis and Butthead – GonnaScore-gasms. Sex on stairs at the mall – escalator-gasms. Sex with three of your friends – four-gasms. Sex with a norse God – Thor-gasms. Sex when resistance is futile – Borg-gasms.

Ever since Eve gave Adam the apple, there has been a misunderstanding between the sexes about gifts.

— Nan Robertson

Mrs P goes to a fortune teller and has her palm read. Theres a disaster coming into your life. Your husband is going to die soon.

I know, says Mrs P, but will I get the death penalty?

Q: What do you get when a blonde and a gang member have a kid?

A: A juvenile delinquent that sprays grafitti on chain-link fences.

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk whats wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply… The word is CELEBRATE!

A policeman pulled Bhola over after he had been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Bhola: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad cause all the people were leaving.

Va un hombre por la playa con su mujer, y ella le pide que le compre un bikini, a lo que él le dice:

Con ese cuerpo de lavadora, ni lo pienses.

Siguen caminando y le insiste la mujer:

Bueno cómprame ese vestido.

Y repite el esposo: Con ese cuerpo de lavadora ni lo pienses.

Pasa el día y por la noche, ya en la cama, el marido le dice a la esposa:

Entonces que, vieja ¿echamos a andar la lavadora?

Y la mujer le dice:

Para ese mugre trapito, mejor lávalo a mano.

Un sábado, tres amigos que acostumbran jugar golf juntos están listos para iniciar la partida cuando se les acerca un solitario jugador que les pregunta si podría acompañarlos. Los amigos se ven las caras y deciden aceptarlo:

Con gusto, venga con nosotros.

A unos dos hoyos de haber comenzado, los compañeros no pueden resistir la curiosidad y, entablando conversación con el extraño, le preguntan qué hace para ganarse la vida.

Soy un eliminador.

Los tres camaradas comenzaron a reír.

No, de verdad, continuó el extraño, soy un eliminador. Elimino gente; mi arma está en el saco de palos. La llevo conmigo a todas partes. Si quieren, le pueden dar un vistazo.

Uno de los amigos decide verificar la historia y, al abrir el saco, ve un rifle con una enorme mira telescópica. Asombrado, comenta:

¡Qué pieza, apuesto que podría ver mi casa con esto! ¿Puedo probar?

Seguro, contesta el eliminador.

Así que el hombre mira por un segundo a través de la mira telescópica y exclama:

¡Vaya que si se puede ver mi casa! Hasta veo a mi mujer desnuda en el cuarto. ¿No es hermosa? ¡Un momento, también está mi vecino! ¡Y desnudo!

Totalmente alterado, le pide al eliminador que lo ayude a limpiar su honor. El matón le contesta:

Me pagan 10 mil dólares cada vez que jalo el gatillo.

¡¿Diez mil?! Es mucho, pero esto no lo soporto. Tiene que hacer dos eliminaciones: una a mi mujer, justo en la boca, porque nunca para de hablar; otra al tipo ése, en los genitales, para que aprenda a respetar a las mujeres de los demás.

El eliminador accede; se prepara y observa detenidamente a través de la mira telescópica, hasta que unos cinco minutos después, el individuo agraviado, impaciente, le reclama:

¿Qué espera? ¡No aguanto más! ¡¿Por qué no dispara de una buena vez?!

Sólo un poco más. Estoy a punto de ahorrarle diez mil…