Old and New Jokes

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus

Un misionero, de servicio por el África, iba ensimismado en sus rezos y oraciones, cuando, súbitamente, se le aparece un león tan grande como un toro abriendo su enorme hocico lleno de colmillos que parecía una cueva; el evangelizador, viéndose perdido, junta las manos y reza al Altísimo:

¡Sr. Dios y su hijo Jesucristo, haced que este león se haga cristiano!

Súbitamente, el león se detiene y, haciendo un esfuerzo sobrenatural, logra doblar las patas traseras para ponerse de rodillas en el suelo; entonces, levantando su enorme cuerpo hacia arriba, junta las dos patas delanteras y con una voz todo gruñidos pide:

Señor, bendice estos alimentos que vamos a comer…

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.



The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Did you hear the latest theory about Monica Lewinsky?

It may never be proven but they think she may be the youngest woman to have
ever held the Presidency.

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said OK, OK. You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit? The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… how much steel! No. Think of another wish. The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing… know how to make them truly happy… The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running

along the road.



The woman said,

Sweetheart, lets do the same thing we did here thirty years ago.



The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.



Back in the car, the guy says, Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!



The woman says, thirty years ago that fence wasnt electrified!

Tres locos escapan del manicomio y corren como alma que lleva el diablo, duran horas y horas corriendo, hasta que agotados se sientan en la acera a descansar. Una persona pasa por el lugar y al verlos tan cansados les pregunta:

¿Oigan, por qué están tan agitados?

Y los locos contestan:

Es que nos escapamos del manicomio.

Pero si estamos frente a la reja, y ademas allí vienen los celadores para regresarlos.

Y los locos, sin preocuparse le responden:

Vaya, no importa, les llevamos como 100 vueltas de ventaja.