Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?

A: Divorced.

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

"May I speak to your parents?"

"Theyre busy."

"Oh. Is anybody else there?"

"The police."

"Can I speak to them?"

"Theyre busy."

"Oh. Is anybody else there?"

"The firemen."

"Can I speak to them?"

"Theyre busy."

"So let me get this straight — your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but theyre all busy? What are they doing?"

"Looking for me."

What do Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common?

They both stick their meat in 5 year old buns.

… that the husbands of the ten best-dressed women are never on the list of the ten best-dressed men?
… that health clubs advertising on TV never show people who look like they need to be there?
… that the older you get, the better an athlete you used to be?
… that the phone will not ring for the first 15 minutes of the day unless youre late; if youre late, it will ring continuously until you arrive?
… that a boring person is never hoarse?
… that the waiter who hovered over your table before you were ready to go to order is nowhere to be seen when youre ready for the cheque?

The blonde says to her friend, My boyfriend has the worst dandruff.

Her friend says, You should give him Head and Shoulders.

The blonde thinks for a minute and replies, how do you give shoulders?

You might be a redneck if…
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

Pepito vivía en un vecindario y tenía un vecino que era muy estúpido. Pepito siempre lo molestaba diciéndole: ¿Tu sabes quien es cañuela? Y él le respondia: ¿Y quien es Cañuela? Pepito respondía, La puta de tu abuela.

Un día el vecino llegó a su casa y le contó a su mamá lo que pasaba entre él y Pepito. Entonces la mamá le dijo al niño: Pues cuando tú lo veas pregúntale ¿quien es Josefina? y respóndele tu maldita madre.

Al siguiente día el vecino se encontró con Pepito y el vecino le preguntó: ¿Tú sabes quien es Josefina?

¡Ahhhhhhhh! la hermana de Cañuela…

Y el vecino le dice: ¿Y quien es cañuela?

La puta de tu abuela.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fred!
Fred who?
Fred Badge of Courage!

Muy grave, una dama llega al hospital. Extrañado, el médico de guardia le pregunta:

Señora, ¿que le pasó?

Sorprendentemente, la mujer aclara:

¡Me cogió un elefante!

Pero, señora, la de un elefante tan sólo mide 20 centímetros de ancho y usted trae como 50 centímetros de ancho.

¡Sí, pero el muy cabrón me estuvo dedeando primero!

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.



3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how youre getting fat.



4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.



5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.



6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.



7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.



8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.



9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.



10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).



11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.



12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.



13. Turn off shower.



14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.



15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.



16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.



17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.



18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.