These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
26. Write your roommates name in big print on hundreds of pages of paper. Leave pages all over the room. If he asks about it, say you didnt write it.
A Hindu Priest, a Rabbi and a Lawyer were all traveling together and came upon an Inn with only two available rooms. The Innkeeper said that one of them must volunteer to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu volunteered but two minutes later there was a knock at the door. The Hindu Priest said I can not sleep in the barn because there is a cow there.
The Rabbi then volunteered to sleep in the barn. Two minutes later there was another knock at the door. The Rabbi returned saying I can not sleep in the barn because there is a pig in there.
The lawyer then volunteered to sleep in the barn. Two minutes later there was a knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig.
You might be a redneck if…
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your drivers license?
Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?
Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whos car is this?
Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?
Driver: Yeah, and Ill bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!
Census Officer: “Mataji, you say your husband died six years ago but you have given the names of two sons aged four and two years respectively.â€
Widow Lady: “I said my husband died six years ago, I didn’t say I also died at the same time.â€
LA SECRETARÃA DE LA DEFENSA NACIONAL, CONVOCA:
Por medio de este conducto, hace de su conocimiento que los integrantes de las clases 66 a 82, reservas consecutivas regulares y remisos, deberán ser reclutados en el EJÉRCITO MEXICANO a la brevedad posible, de conformidad con lo dispuesto en el artÃculo 15 de la Ley del SERVICIO MILITAR NACIONAL.
Los mencionados deberán presentarse durante los meses de octubre, noviembre y diciembre del año en curso, en las instalaciones de la zona militar de su adscripción.
Lo anterior fue dispuesto por el C. Presidente de la República, en su carácter de Jefe Supremo de las fuerzas armadas, con la aprobación del Senado de la República, con el propósito de reforzar la presencia del Ejército y Fuerza Aérea estadounidense en Afganistán, en virtud de la agudización del conflicto y las bajas de éstos.
En espera de las instrucciones y pasos a seguir, se recibirá un entrenamiento en las instalaciones militares mencionadas, recibiendo el equipo necesario para dicha tarea, como son: resorteras misilÃsticas de alto poder; pañuelos antigases; condones protectores por aquello de las dudas; bicicletas blindadas; bombas molotov; pepsilindros con Tang para que no mueran de sed; un submarino Marinela, asà como su respectiva dotación de mota para agarrar valor.
Cabe mencionar que, en caso de caer prisioneros, automáticamente pasarán a chingar a su madre.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kent!
Kent who?
Kent you tell who it is?
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasnt very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.
So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: First, he said, I dont want to have to kiss her, and Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?
Well, said Mike, Youve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.
You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
Justin Williams told this joke on his Cajun Cooking show:
Two Cajuns, Rober and Maurice, decided that hunting possums had gotten too dull, so they planned a trip to Canada to shoot moose. They flew in commercial planes all the way to Saskatoon, and from there, they hired a bush pilot to take them in a little plane into moose country.
The pilot put them down in a short little airstrip about 200 kms from nowhere.
Boys, he said, Ill be back here at noon in three days. You be right here, and remember that this plane is too small to carry more than the three of us and ONE moose. So, theres no need to hunting more than ONE moose, because you wont be able to take but one out of here.
Robert and Maurice nodded agreement, and off the plane went, leaving the two Cajuns in the wilderness, eager for their hunting expedition.
On the third day, the plane landed at 11:55 local time, and there beside the airstrip were Robert and Maurice, each sitting on a moose, grinning broadly.
OK, said the pilot, which moose are we going to take back?
Why, both of them, said Rober, we got to take these meese back to show that we are both as good as the other.
No, no, NO, said the pilot, I told you that the plane could bring back only ONE moose.
Whats the matter? asked Maurice, aint yo plane good enough to carry one little ol extra moose? We got two meese on a plane just like this one last year.
OK, agrees the pilot, aint nobody going to out-fly me around here. If you got two moose on that plane, you can get two moose on my plane.
So, they load up, take off, and the plane, as predicted, cant handle the extra load, and they CRASH.
The two Cajuns wake up in adjacent tree tops, and Rober asks, Where ARE we?
Maurice reponds, About 100 yards further that we were last year!