Old and New Jokes

A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month.

I went to the video shop and said Can I have Batman Forever – he said No, just until tomorrow. I said What about Another 48 Hours?. He said No, tomorrow. I said Have you got Spaceballs, he said, No Im just wearing baggy trousers.

What can you say about a society that says
God is dead and Elvis is alive?

What did the blonde mother say to the blonde daughter?"If youre not in bed by 12, you can come home!"

A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head.

They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.

While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the mans penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go….YEEOOOOOOOUCH!

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in West Virginia as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Other-wise, its total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, hes finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded West Virginian standing there. Names Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Havin a party Saturday. Thought youd like to come.

Great, says Sam. After six months of this Im ready to meet some local folks. Thank you. As Enoch is leaving he stops, Gotta warn you, theres gonna be some drinkin.

Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. More n likely gonna be some fightin, too.

Damn, Sam thinks… tough crowd. Well, I get along with people. Ill be there. Thanks again.

Once again Enoch turns from the door. Ive seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

Now thats not a problem, says Sam. Remember Ive been alone for six months! Ill definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear to the party?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, Whatever you want. Its just gonna be the two of us.

What do the Pope and the Rams both appearing in the St. Louis Trans World Dome have in common?



They both feature 3 million people saying Jesus Christ!

Three men were arrested for stealing cars.

Their sentance was to be shot.





The first man was about to be shot, so he pointed behind the people who were going to shoot him and yelled Flash flood!



The people who were about to shoot him looked towards the direction he was pointing and he ran away, escaping his punishment.





It was the next mans turn. Like the first man, he pointed behind the people who were about to shoot him, but he yelled Tornado!



The people who were about to shoot him looked towards the direction he was pointing and he ran away, escaping his punishment.





The last man was about to be shot. Like the first to men, he pointed behind the people who were about to shoot him, but he yelled Fire! and everyone shot him.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.