Old and New Jokes

Defence Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didnt stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I havent felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, take me, young man, Take me!

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. Thats when he yelled, April Fool! And thats when I shot the son of a bitch!

Did you hear about the blonde that got fired from the M&M factory? She threw away all the ws

A man who went to Church with his wife fell was always falling asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out … and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.. She poked her husband who then came flying out of the pew and screamed Good God all mighty.

The minister said Thats right, thats right and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to … and who died on the cross to save us from our sins… the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted Jesus Christ.

The Minister said thats right, Thats Right and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to … and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said If you stick that damn thing in me again Ill break it off!

10) Broken masonry makes great drainage for potted plants.9) Get beaten up by people half your size and twice your age.8) Never run out of kindling wood again.7) No need to wonder what belt to wear.6) Get to be on first name basis with the Emergency Room staff.5) These uniforms make nice pajamas.4) Never need to wonder why its hard to get up in the morning.3) Get to appreciate the finer points of Chuck Norris acting.2) Learn to count to 10 in 3 different Asian languages. And the top reason for studying martial arts:
1) (Tie) Get to star in Ginsu commercials. / Three words: free nose job.

Se encontraba un abuelito dispuesto a bañarse cuanto se quitó la toalla se dio cuenta que su pene se encontraba erecto y dijo:

!Milagro, Milagro! y comenzó a masturbarse.

Después te 45 minutos el viejo se emocionó por que estaba llegando, entonces se sacó la chapa(dentadura) se la puso en el cuello, y empezó a decir:

¡Muérdeme, mi amor, muérdeme!

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agents hands. The
agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.

After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, Have I got all
ye say there?

The agent said, Certainly ye have…Why dye ask?

Replied Murphy, Cancel the sale…tis too good to part with.

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home…

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife, Up, or down?. The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if hell get lucky again… So, he says to his wife, Up, or down? She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for 2 glorious weeks.

When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again… Up, or down? His wife says, What?. To which he replies, During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long. The wife says, Ooooh, I thought you said Fuck, or drown !.

B E G I N H E R E
+——————+
|
YES +—————+ NO
/——–| Does It Work? |——–
| +—————+ |
| |
/ /
+————-+ +———-+
| Dont Mess | YES | Did You | NO
/—| With It | /———-| Mess |——
| +————-+ | | With It? | |
| | +———-+ |
| / |
| /———— |
| | You IDIOT! | /
| ————/ +————-+
| +——–+ | YES | Will You |
| NO | Does |<———/ /————| Pay For It? |
| —-| Anyone | | +————-+
| | | Know ? |————– | | NO
| | +——–+ YES | | /
| | / / +———–+
| | /————— YES | Will You |
| | /—–>| You Poor Fool |<——| Be Fired? |
| | /——— | —————/ +———–+
| –>| Hide It | | | | NO
| ———/ | / |
| | | NO +—————+ /
| | ——| Can You Blame | /———-
| | | Someone Else? | | Trash It |
| | +—————+ ———-/
| ————- | YES |
| | | |
| / / |
| +———————–+ |
———————->| N O P R O B L E M !! |<——–/
+———————–+

1,222!1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed;28 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and explain how the light bulb could have been changed differently;14 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;149 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list;111 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to litebulb-list;112 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list;309 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;26 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs;15 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs;4 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list;32 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add Me too;13 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;18 to quote the Me toos to say Me three;5 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;43 to ask What is a FAQ?;6 to ask Didnt we go through this a short time ago on Usenet?;141 to ask Whats Usenet?;9 to argue whether its lightbulb or light bulb;Another 9 to condemn those 9 as anal-retentive;177 to demand that cross posting to illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped.