A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, Stay here and be very QUIET. Ill be across the field.An hour later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. Whats wrong? the father asked. I told you to be quiet! The son answered, Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didnt move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my
breath when the wasp stung me. I didnt cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didnt cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, Should we eat them here or take them with us? Well, I guess I just panicked.
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if youre on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if youre a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "Ive got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "Youre one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm…tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think its getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
Dear God,
Please make me less of a homebody.
I should call you Mom, or Dad actually… you have been there for me through thick and thin and are like my family member.
Uhh.. by the way, Mom, whats for dinner? Ill be back soon. Wait for me..
Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddams chair.
They begin talking. After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button.
A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much else but say Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!
Two weeks pass and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. Asthe 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bushs chair and prepares himself for the Americans revenge.
They begin talking and Saddam is uncooperative, Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers.
A few seconds later, as Hussein continues his belligerence, Bush presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.
As things progress, then the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!
Bush then says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ron!
Ron who?
Ron dinnertime, give me a call!
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
A blonde was helping her mother in the kitchen by filling the salt shaker. 30 minutes later her moter asked,why arent you done yet? She replied, Mommy its so hard to get the salt through the little holes!
Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)
SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hours leave without pay.
DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to … or after death.
This new benefit program started yesterday.
THE MANAGEMENT
You might be a redneck if…
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Retirement means twice as much husband for half as much money.