Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.

Because, the man says,I live in a two-story house.



The Judge replies, What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?



The man answers, Well Judge, one story is I have a headache and the other story is Its that time of the month.

I think,

I think I am,



Therefore I am,



I think.

Its not an optical illusion it just looks like one.

– Phil White

Baby dragons

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A
guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts
drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking
so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if
you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?



So youve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, youve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. Whats so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:



THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.



Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves.



True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.



2. How And When to Get Your Humans Attention



Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.



Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.



Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want: Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good its something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.



Waking your human at odd hours: A cats golden time is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your humans sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.



3. Punishing Your Human Being



Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU.



Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives: * Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.



* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.



* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.



* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.



* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.



4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?



The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after theyve been presented.



After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbors Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your humans face, youll know its worth it.



5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?



You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? Theyre humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

He makes the firefly.

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word tragedy.

Well, one girl replied, If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!

The President smiled at the little girl and said, No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!

The President shook his head and said, No son. That would be a great loss! Doesnt anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?

A small girl raised her hand and said, Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!

Very good, he said. And what was your reason for that answer?

Well, she said, It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!