Old and New Jokes

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to Heaven.

St. Peter was having a
bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven and each will have to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with almost all of its passengers?

The teacher thought for a second, and replied: That would have been the Titanic, right?. And St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven didnt REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, uncharitably decided to make the question a little harder: How many people died on the ship?

The garbage man guessed. 1228.

That happens to be correct, go ahead.

St. Peter turned to the Lawyer: Name them.

You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.

Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.

In the delivery room, your husband says,Thats worse than skinning a deer!

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high, voice, Could you please take me to Times Square?



In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, Hey sista, that s kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?



The nun says, Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?



The cabbie, About dis celibacy thing, are you telling me you never think about doin it?



The nun, Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand.



The cabbie, Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doinit?



The nun, Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstan ce, I might consider it.



The cabbie, Well what would dose conditions happen to be?



The nun, Well hed have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he coul d have no children.



The cabbie, Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why do you se come on up here…I wont even make you really break your vows. All you got ta do is go down on me.



The nun looks around…they are awfully far away from where anyone would recogn ize her…at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the ne xt light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is s miling from ear to ear.



As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh.



The nun inquires, Why, my son, what is so humorous?



The cabbie sneers, Sista, I got ya, Im Protestant, Im married, and I got four kids.



And from the back of the cab comes the nuns low voiced response, Yeah, well m y names Dave and Im on my way to a costume party.

Woodwards Law: A theory is better than its explanation.

What is the difference between an Italian grandmother
and a Jewish grandmother?

One says, If you dont eat, Ill kill you, and the
other says, If you dont eat, Ill kill myself.

International Marketing – Actual Accounts

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldnt be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means bite the wax tadpole or female horse stuffed with wax depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, ko-kou-ko-le, which can be loosely translated as happiness in the mouth.

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan Come alive with the Pepsi Generation came out as Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan finger-lickin good came out as eat your fingers off.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, Salem – Feeling Free, got translated in the Japanese market into Whensmoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that no va means it wont go. After the company figured out why it wasnt selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang fortiny male genitals. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say It wont leak in your pocket and embarrass you. However, the companys mistakenly thought the spanish word embarazar meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Popes visit. Instead of the desired I Saw the Pope in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed I Saw the Potato.

Chicken-man Frank Perdues slogan, It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means big breasts. In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japans second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally…

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drinks eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.

A man walks into a bar with a large suitcase in one on hand. Tossing
it casually up on the bar, he orders a beer.

What have you got there? The bartender asks. The man gives him a mean
look, opens the suitcase, and pulls out out a tiny replica of a piano.
He places it on the bar in front of the bartender. Well, thats interesting,
the bartender says.

You havent seen it all. The man snaps, turning back to the suitcase.
Come on, Joe. Out of the suitcase climbs a little man only about a foot
tall, who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play several pieces by Chopin flawlessly. The bartender is very much impressed.

My god! he says. Where did you find him??

Well, I was walking along the beach one day, the man says, as the little
man climbs back into the suitcase, and I came across this really old bottle.
So I opened it up. There was a genie inside, and she gave me one wish.

And that was your wish? The bartender asks incredulously, pointing to the piano.

No, the man said. The genie had been in that bottle for so long she
had become hard of hearing. So I didnt get my real wish. And now, for
the rest of my life, Im stuck with this twelve inch pianist.

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasnt getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: Im the Boss! He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: Your wife called, she wants her sign back!

Two men, strangers to the place, decided to take a plunge at the river. As they are floating in the middle of the river, one of them shouted to a boy who is sitting at the bank. ARE THERE SHARKS IN HERE?.

NO, the boy shouted back. SHARKS ARE AFRAID OF CROCODILES, RIGHT?