Old and New Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who made a career change and became an surgeon specializing in ob/gyn?
A: His specialty was histerectograms.

The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.

Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?

A: An Italian suppository.

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.

Guess who sent them.

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: Now you know!

Dear Santa:

Ive been a good mom all year. Ive fed, cleaned and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctors office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughters girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my sons red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when Ill find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

Id like a pair of legs that dont ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that dont flap in the breeze but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. Id also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If youre hauling big ticket items this year Id like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesnt broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, Yes, Mommy to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who dont fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, Dont eat in the living room and Take your hands off your brother, because my voice seems to be just out of my childrens hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please dont forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colours and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the in-laws house seem just like mine. If its too late to find any of these products, Id settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you dont mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didnt look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you dont catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but dont eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always … Mom.

P.S. – One more thing … you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home. Bet you cant guess how old I am, he says. Bet I can, she says. Bet you fifty dollars you cant tell me how old I am, he says. Youre on, she says.

Stand up. He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down. Now turn around, she says. She looks him up and she looks him down. Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants, she says.

He drops his pants and she looks him up . . . and she looks him down . . . youre 86, she says. Hes dumbounded. By golly, woman, youre right. I am 86. Howd you know? She rocks and smiles.

You told me yesterday!

Está un ventrílocuo en una fiesta de niños y empieza con su rutina:

Oye, pepito (le dice al muñeco), ¿sabes si hay alguien de Tontilandia en la fiesta?

Y el muñeco responde:

¿Para qué, para contarles tus chistes dos veces para que los entiendan?

En eso que un Tontilandés se para al fondo de la sala y grita:

Hombre, ¿pero por que nos tiran de tontos a los de Tontilandia?

El ventrílocuo se disculpa inmediatamente diciendo:

Perdón señor, no sabía que estaba usted aquí.

Y el tipo le contesta:

¡Hombre, no seas bestia, que le estoy hablando al niño que tienes en las piernas!

A man walked up to a farmers house, and knocked on the door. When the farmers wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, Get the hell away!

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, Yes!

The man replied, Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the banks underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the banks doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest, the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

Wait sir, the loan officer said, while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?

The man smiled. Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?