Old and New Jokes

I havent sold one tractor all month, a tractor salesman tells his friend.

Thats nothing compared to my problem, his buddy replies. I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and Ill tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, Ill buy a tractor off ya.

Había una gran fiesta en Los Pinos, y muchísima gente asistió. Dos hombres charlaban entre los invitados, mientras uno de ellos ponía su objetivo en la mira:

Oye, ¿quién es esa chica?, le pregunta uno al otro.

No lo sé, ¿por qué no vas con ella y averiguas?

El sujeto se dirigió a donde estaba la dama, y le preguntó si quería bailar, a lo que ella responde:

Mire, no puedo bailar por tres razones: primera, está usted muy borracho; segunda, el Himno Nacional no se baila y, tercera, yo soy el Cardenal de Puebla.

Youll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Dont forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

I just knew I was in big trouble at work when:

the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

my assistant began responding to my memos with, Yeah, whatever.

I got a Its for you loser wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend.

the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

my secretary sez things like Get the phone, my nails arent dry.

three people began helping me write a desk manual for my job.

the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

the receptionist began saying Who ??? to anyone calling on me.

You might be a redneck if…
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

[This is original to me]

New Hampshire roads frequently have signs reading:

FROST HEAVES

I come from California. I guess this must be a New England
way to say:

WINTER SUCKS

One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasnt there. He went to look for her and, as he stepped outside, he saw “Mickey sucks” written in a yellow liquid in the snow. He investigated and realizedthere was good news and bad news: it was Goofys urine, but Minnies handwriting.

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that hed also took a dump in your pants.

IBM: I Blame Microsoft.

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.