Old and New Jokes

Wonton.

What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and

women are crazy for it?

Money!!!

It is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.
(Yogi Berra)

When you talk to me, shut up!
(Leo Rosten)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book: Ill waste no time reading it.
(Moses Hadas)

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldnt afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
(Joey Bishop)

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
(Robert Frost)

My mother and father were first cousins. Thats why I look so much alike.
(Unknown)

No, I dont give refunds for bad jokes.

Sorprenda a su esposa preparándole la mejor torta navideña.

Ingredientes:

1 taza de agua

2 tazas de azúcar

4 huevos frescos

2 tazas de frutas secas

1 cucharadita de sal

1 taza de margarina

1 limón

1 taza de nueces enteras

1 botella de whisky

Preparación:

Póngase un delantal para no ensuciarse.

Pruebe el whisky para verificar la calidad: sírvase un vaso grande.

Tome un tazón grande.

Verifique nuevamente el whisky para asegurarse que está a la temperatura adecuada; sirva una taza y tómelo de un trago.

Encienda la batidora. Eche margarina y bata. Agregue una cucharadita de azúcar y bata nuevamente.

Asegúrese que el whisky está en buen temple. Tome otra taza.

Apague la batidora, bata los huevos y tírelos al tazón. Batidora la prenda. Si las frutas se pegan a las cosas esas, sáquelas con un desarmador.

Pruebe el whisky para verificar su cuerpo.

Agregue dos tazas de sal… o de cualquier otra cosa. ¿A quién le importa?

No pierda de vista el whisky.

Exprima las nueces y pique el limón.

Agregue una cuchara de azúcar, o de madera, o de cualquier otra cosa que encuentre a la mano.

Suénese la nariz con el delantal.

Engrase el horno. Limpie el horno.

Engrase el molde.

Límpiese las manos al reverso del delantal.

Encienda el molde a 350 grados.

Saque el extintor y apague el molde.

Ahora prenda el horno a 350 grados.

No se olvide de batir la apaga y medir, en vasos, el güisqui.

Vaya a ver televisión durante 45 minutos. Para no aburrirse, sírvase un uisky

Sírvase otro… Y otro cada vez que se le acabe.

A los 45 minutos, abra el horno y verifique la torta.

Ponga la torta en el horno.

Como le han sobrado las frutas secas, cómaselas mientras ve televisión.

A los 45 minutos vaya a verificar el horno.

Agradezca la ayuda a los bomberos.

Vote el tasssón (hic) por la ventana.

Verifique el uissky. Si se acabó, saque otra botella.

Apague el caño y sssierre la luss de la cosssina.

Vayase a la cama con la tella…

Juelizzzzz naviá……………..

¿Por qué las mujeres son como la geografía?

De 0 a 15 años son como las islas de Revillagigedo, vírgenes y sin explorar.

De 16 a 25 años son como Africa, a medio explorar, y muy salvajes.

De 26 a los 35 años son como Europa, ya bien recorridas y ya un poco medio destruidas.

De 36 a los 55 años son como México, reciben a cualquiera con los brazos abiertos.

Y de los 55 años en adelante son como Oceanía, todo mundo sabe que existen pero nadie las visita.

One guy says to the other….imagine a fence and on one side that is where you live and i live on the other side..i have a rooster and you have a donkey…one day my rooster and your donkey were at the fence and your donkey bit both of my roosters legs off now what would that be called……the guy says well i dont know why dont you tell me. so the other guy replies…….that would be 2 feet of my cock in your ass…

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks What may we do for you, my son?

He answers I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.

Very well, my son. Please follow me.

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man Please knock on this door. He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway. He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

They love to mail-bash.

A: A brunette whos told one too many blonde jokes.

As the storm raged, the captain realized his
ship was sinking fast. He called out,
Anyone here know how to pray?

One man stepped forward. Aye, Captain, I
know how to pray.

Good, said the captain, you pray while
the rest of us put on our life jackets –
were one short.