Old and New Jokes

Golf Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix.

The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, Are you the people that broke my window?

Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. the husband replied.

No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes-Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself.

OK, great! the husband said. I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life. No problem-its the least I could do. And you, what do you want? the genie said, looking at the wife. I want a house in every country of the world, she said. Consider it done. the genie replied.

And whats your wish, genie?, the husband said. Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looks at the wife and said, Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care. The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, How old is your husband, anyway?

35. she replied.

And he still believes in genies?….Thats amazing!

A woman who had been twice married and divorced was fed up. Her first husband was violent, and her second husband ran off with another woman.

Plus, she couldnt find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually; so, she put an ad in the classifieds:

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who wont abuse me, wont leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs on her front porch. Im here about your ad, he offers.

You must be mistaken, she begins to reply.

Let me explain, he interjects. I cant beat you, because I dont have any arms. I cant run off, because I dont have any legs.

But, she demands, how do I know youre good in bed?

I rang the doorbell, didnt I?

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, Well have they
got a verdict yet?

The bailiff shook his head and said, Verdict? Hell, theyre still
doing nominating speeches for the foremans position!

The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.



Hey Willis!! the farmer yelled. Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then Ill help you get the wagon up.



Thats mighty nice of you, Willis answered, but I dont think Pa would like me to.



Aw, come on, the farmer insisted.



Well okay, the boy finally agreed, and added, But Pa wont like it.



After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.



Dont be foolish ! the neighbor said with a smile. By the way, where is he?



Under the wagon.

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesnt get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrots neck.A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the fathers collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Verdi!
Verdi who?
Verdi been all day!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Herman!
Herman who?
Herman is handsome!

Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagans apparent poor memory.

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.

The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy, again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray.

Llega un borracho a las oficinas del Gobierno de la Ciudad de México; toca la puerta y se dirige al guardia:

Quiero ser Jefe del Gobierno del Distrito Federal, ¿cuáles son los requisitos?

¡¿Está usted loco, mariguano, idiota o es un imbécil?!

¡No, pos con tantos requisitos mejor ya no!