Old and New Jokes

Ten! You gotta a PROBLEM with that?

Q: Why wasnt JESUS born in Puerto Rico ?????????

A: Because they couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

Dont be angry, the Mother says, Your little sister doesnt realize that pulling hair hurts.



A short while later, theres more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.



This time the sister is bawling and her brother says…



Now she knows.

A man is walking along the beach when he trips over something in the sand.



Upon examination, he sees that its a genies lamp. He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops a genie who says, I am the genie of the lamp. I have been trapped in this lamp for 1,000 years. For setting me free I will grant you one wish.



The man thought and thought. Finally, he pulled out a map and said, Its been my goal in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? Its called the Middle East and its a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot of money, or fame, but Id like to use this wish for peace in the Middle East.



The genie looked disappointed. He said, Im sorry sir, but I cant grant that wish. The people of that region have been fighting for thousands of years. The wars go back many, many generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area. Boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred is too far engrained into this part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good.



Im sorry, but I just cant do that. Have you another wish?



Well, said the man. If I cant do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this for men. I would like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I wish I could fully understand women.



The genie replied, let me see that map again.

Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. – Larry Niven Protector

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

With a low voice he sad to his wife: When Im dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.

Wife: No, I cant marry anyone after you. Johnson: But I want you to. Wife: But why? Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him. "Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm." "Why dont you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily."Thats what I do when Im in the kitchen."

yo momma teef so yellow, she walked in church and everybody start sangin let it shine,let it shine,let it shine.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You havent seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. Youre not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that Bachelor is a nicer term for a jackass.
14.

Extended childhood only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15.

Twenty-something means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps arent staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police dont raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You dont know what time Wendys closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.