Old and New Jokes

Sex is nobodys business except the three people involved.

Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

To Whom It May Concern:

After nine weeks and many phone calls, I am writing this letter to discuss a few items that the underwriter has not yet brought up (but probably will).

I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party. Neither my parents nor my grandparents were ever members of the Communist Party. I was born seven months after my parents were married. I hope this doesnt disqualify me for the mortgage, I will have my mother and father send a letter to you explaining how this happened if you feel it is necessary.

I am not a bed wetter or a homosexual.

I have no religious affiliation. If this is a problem, I will get a letter from a priest, minister, and rabbi stating they will let me join up if you feel it is necessary.

I want to apologize for having $36,000 in the bank account that I reported having $8,000. I guess if the underwriters find out that I have over $100,000 spread out in other banks and investments, I never will get the mortgage. I also want to apologize for only putting $55,000 down on a $115,000 house. Im really concerned because my wife and I are earning only $78,000 this year. If you decide this is not enough, I will be happy to take a part time job at night at Roy Rogers. I will have the manager at Roy Rogers send you a letter if you feel it is necessary.

I am a registered Republican. I know this may not sit well with the underwriters who are Democrats. My only defense for this is anytime you see a man driving a Jaguar, wearing $600 custom made suits, $165 Gucci loafers, $70 custom made shirts, wearing a $2000 diamond pinkie ring, a $750 Cartier watch, carrying a $265 cigarette case and a $400 attache case he is either a Republican or a dope dealer. I am not a dope dealer and will send you a letter stating so if you feel it is necessary.

There are three things that concern me:

When you buy a mattress there is a label that says Do not remove under penalty of fine or imprisonment. Im sorry! It was a rash, impulsive thing for me to do. I was only a kid at the time. I promise I will never do it again.

In February of 1934 my grandmother missed a payment to Sears. She is dead, but I will have the undertaker send you a letter explaining why she cant send a letter explaining her delinquency if you feel it is necessary.

On April 14, 1968 I got a traffic ticket. I will certainly send a letter on this one. However, the real problem is that the police officer who issued the summons was divorced. I have requested that he send a copy of his divorce decree and separation agreement to you. I hope this will suffice.

In closing, let me thank you, the receptionist, the person who took my original application, the underwriting staff, your appraisal department, the manager of your branch, and the president of your company for granting me this loan. God willing, we will make it to the settlement table and we will realize the American Dream and live in our own home!

– Yo Mamas so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said Sorry, no professionals – Yo Mamas so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, What a treasure! and her father said, Yeah! Lets go bury it! – Yo Mamas so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. – Yo Mamas so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end. – Yo Mamas so ugly, they didnt make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars. – Yo Mamas so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, Damn! Is it Halloween already? – Yo Mamas so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday. – Yo Mamas so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot. – Yo Mamas so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone. – Yo Mamas so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled rape, they yelled NO! – Yo mamas so ugly, shes like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border. – Yo mamas so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up. – Yo mamas so ugly, rice crispies wont even talk to her. – Yo mamas so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out. – Yo mamas so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. – Yo mamas so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out. – Yo mamas so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye. – Yo mamas so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said Thanks for bringing her back.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy whos dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven? The guy replies, Im Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City. Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and its the ministers turn. He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Marys for the last forty-three years. Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Just a minute, says the minister. That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be? Up here, we work by results, says Saint Peter. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains:

Doctor, when I wasnt married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and cant get pregnant.

Well said the doctor, Its possible you dont breed in captivity!

Yo mommas so stupid, she stared at a orange juice carton for an hour because it said concentrate.

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause Im Kissing You Goodbye

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

How Can I Miss You If You Wont Go Away?

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

I Dont Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You

Im Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

Ive Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

If Love Were Oil, Id Be A Quart Low

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

Oh, Ive Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys: * one tin of beans * one bag of chips * one pack of burgers * one tub of ice cream * one cake * one case of beer * one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.

The guy replies sarcastically, Yes. However did you guess?

The girl replies: Simple…You are one ugly bastard!

The American ambassador visited the Romanian president. In the waiting
room he talked with two of the ministers for five minutes.

When he entered he said to the Romanian president,
I really dont want to bother you but I talked with two of your
ministers, and my gold watch was disappeared.

So the president answered, OK. Ill take care of it,
left the room and came back two minutes later with the watch.

The ambassador said, Thank you very much, said the ambassador.
I hope that I didnt cause any crisis between you and them.

Thats OK, said the president. They did not notice.

Hillel gazit%ganelon.usc.edu@oberon.usc.edu