A 70-year-old man goes to the doctors for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God? And the man says, Oh me and God? Were tight. We have a real bond, hes good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off. Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the mans wife and said, Id like to speak to you about your husbands connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true? And she says, That idiot, hes been peeing in the refrigerator!
Kathryns 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car shed yell, Mom, what does f-g-r-p-l spell?
Nothing, Kathryn said.
Sitting at breakfast shed suddenly ask, Mom, what does d-o-e-b spell?
Nothing, Kathryn answered.
This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, Mom, what does l-m-d-z spell?
Kathryn smiled at her and said, Nothing, sweetheart.
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!
ftom a Crazie Site, http://crazie.net/
Three young men, filled with Christmas cheer decided to serenade a number of their female acquaintances with songs of the season.
At Bettys house they sang the mistresss anthem, God Rest Ye Married, Gentlemen – and Betty welcomed the gesture warmly with a round of egg nog.
Encouraged, the trio moved on to Alices house, where they crooned the lament of the cherubs under stress, Hark, The Harried Angels Sing! Alice rewarded the smigers with glasses of steaming punch.
Buoyed by the spirits of the moment, the troubadours stopped next at Inas house. Unfortunately, no one was home. Keen to have her hear them, yet feeling somewhat fatigued by their musical efforts, the leader suggested that they return the next day. After all he observed we can always … carol Ina in the morning.
Q: What kind of wood does not float?
A: Natalie Wood!
Why isnt Mexico in the olympics?…
Because everyone that can swim, jump, climb, and sprint are already over the Border..
No one fails a class anymore, hes merely passing impaired.
You dont have detention, youre just one of theexit delayed.
Your bedroom isnt cluttered, its just passage restrictive.
These days, a student isnt lazy. Hes energetically declined.
Your locker isnt overflowing with junk, its just closure prohibitive.
Kids dont get grounded anymore. They merely hit social speed bumps.
Your homework isnt missing, its just having an out-of-notebook experience.
Youre not sleeping in class, youre rationing consciousness.
Youre not late, you just have a rescheduled arrival time.
Youre not having a bad hair day, youre suffering from rebellious follicle syndrome.
You dont have smelly gym socks, you have odor-retentive athletic footwear.
No ones tall anymore. Hes vertically enhanced.
Youre not shy. Youre conversationally selective.
You dont talk a lot.. Youre just abundantly verbal.
You werent passing notes in class. You were participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.
Youre not being sent to the principals office. Youre going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.
Its not called gossip anymore. Its the speedy transmission of near-factual information.
The food at the school cafeteria isnt awful. Its digestively challenged.
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldnt swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.The next day the paperwork got straighted out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope How was your night in Hell?Very educational. responded the Pope. Ive learned a lot from the experience, but now Im glad Im going to heaven. Ive been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary.Sorry, said Clinton, You should have been there yesterday.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cello!
Cello who?
Cello dere!
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your babys favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.
The bartender said, I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?
Oh, said the man, I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough.