Old and New Jokes

En un concurso de perros, cuyo fin era elegir ganador al can que más perras montara, quedaron finalistas un bulldog, un doberman y un chihuahueño arrechísimo. Vuelven a la carga los animales, y el primer turno es para el bulldog. El narrador del concurso comienza la cuenta:

Tres perras… nueve perras… 39 perras… 56 perras… ¡Bravo, 56 perras!

Sigue el doberman, y comienza el narrador:

Nueve perras… 67 perras… 356 perras… ¡Bravo, 356 perras!

Por último, es el turno del chihuahueño bien arrecho. El narrador cuenta:

Ochentinueve perras… 187 perras… 890 perras… ¡Tribuna sur!… ¡Tribuna oriental!… ¡Tribuna norte!… ¡Quítenmelo, quítenmelo!

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands….



When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.



Youre running around with other women, she told her mate.



Eve, honey, youre being unreasonable, Adam responded.

You know youre the only woman on earth.



The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.



What do you think youre doing? Adam demanded.



Counting your ribs, said Eve!

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.

The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.



Ive pulled you over for speeding, Mame…. could I see your drivers license…?



…Whats a license…??? replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.



Its usually in your wallet… replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. Now may I see your registration… asked the cop.



Registration….. whats that….? asked the blonde. Its usually in your glove compartment… said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. Ill be back in a minute… said the cop and walked back to his car.



The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the womans license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;



Ummm…. is this woman driving a red sports car? Yes…. replied the officer Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde? asked the dispatcher Uh… yes replied the cop.



Heres what you do…. said the dispatcher. Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants…



WHAT!!? I cant do that. Its….. inappropriate… exclaimed the cop.



Trust me….. just do it…. said the dispatcher.



So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs….. Ohh no… not ANOTHER breathalyzer……

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like chalk or pencil, she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, What gender is a computer?

The teacher wasnt certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

Some people cause happiness wherever they go;
Others, whenever they go.

Ive learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:

Assume you drive your car at light speed. What happens when you turn on the head lights?

How to identify where a driver is from…

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:California *with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or anothers car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didnt hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida seasoned citizen driver, also known as no-see-um …. also seen a lot in Parksville!!!