No one fails a class anymore, hes merely passing impaired.
You dont have detention, youre just one of theexit delayed.
Your bedroom isnt cluttered, its just passage restrictive.
These days, a student isnt lazy. Hes energetically declined.
Your locker isnt overflowing with junk, its just closure prohibitive.
Kids dont get grounded anymore. They merely hit social speed bumps.
Your homework isnt missing, its just having an out-of-notebook experience.
Youre not sleeping in class, youre rationing consciousness.
Youre not late, you just have a rescheduled arrival time.
Youre not having a bad hair day, youre suffering from rebellious follicle syndrome.
You dont have smelly gym socks, you have odor-retentive athletic footwear.
No ones tall anymore. Hes vertically enhanced.
Youre not shy. Youre conversationally selective.
You dont talk a lot.. Youre just abundantly verbal.
You werent passing notes in class. You were participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.
Youre not being sent to the principals office. Youre going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.
Its not called gossip anymore. Its the speedy transmission of near-factual information.
The food at the school cafeteria isnt awful. Its digestively challenged.
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldnt swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.The next day the paperwork got straighted out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope How was your night in Hell?Very educational. responded the Pope. Ive learned a lot from the experience, but now Im glad Im going to heaven. Ive been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary.Sorry, said Clinton, You should have been there yesterday.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cello!
Cello who?
Cello dere!
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your babys favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.
The bartender said, I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?
Oh, said the man, I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough.
Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.
Nursery school teacher says to her class, Who can use the word Definitely in a sentence?
First a little girl says, The sky is definitely blue.
The teacher says, Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange…
Second little boy says…Trees are definitely green
The teacher replies, Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
Does a fart have lumps?
The teacher looks horrified and says…
Johnny! Of course not!!!
OK…then I DEFINITELY shit my pants…
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
Yes, she replied readily.
Tell him Mother didnt come after all.
En una competencia de tiro habÃa un gringo con una pistola de ésas con rayo láser y mira de águila en un lado y del otro lado habÃa un mexicano que con la crisis a duras penas traÃa una resortera. En eso un pato pasó en medio de los dos y los dos dispararon sus armas al mismo tiempo. El pato cayó en medio y los dos fueron por él y estaban discutiendo, no que mÃo, no que mÃo. Entonces el mexicano dijo, Vamos a darnos una patada donde más duele y el que grite pierde el pato
El gringo dijo que sÃ,y el mexicano dijo, Yo empiezo porque tu estás más grandote
El gringo se puso en pose de Superman y el mexicano agarró como cinco cuadras de vuelo y ya para llegar le dio dos vueltas a la pierna y ¡sopas! Pero el gringo no gritó, se aguantó como los meros machos y dijo, Ahora tocarme a mi.
El mexicano le respondió, No, ¿sabes qué, carnal? Ahà muere. Quédate con el pato.