A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
Im an attorney, the wincing man said, and this is going to cost you $5000.
Im sorry, Im really sorry, the concerned golfer replied. But I did yell fore.
Ill take it, the attorney said.
Justin Turner, representing Elite & Premier Ltd, outlining his clients case for an injunction said, The agency represents many models who are household names such as Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Cambell and Linda Evangelista. I dont know if your Lordship is familiar with these models?
Do I need to be?
replied the judge.
I dont think so, said Mr. Turner, perhaps wisely. Mr Justice Harman was perplexed by the use of the word topless in discussing glamour modelling.
It means precisely the opposite, he was told. This misuse of the word is, the judge said, is remarkable – as if they had been cut off at the waist which is exactly what they do not mean.
If you cut the top off, it wouldnt be very interesting – whats more they would be dead. Its clearly an abuse of language by the tabloids, he said. Peter Victor, The Independent, Friday Nov 15th 1996
Yo mamma is so ugly, two rapist broke into her house.
She screamed RAPE!!! They yelled NO!!! and ran out the door
Why does a blonde only change diaper on her baby once a month?
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Because it says good for up to 20 pounds
Superman is bored fighting crime everyday. So one Friday night he decides to go out in the town to have some fun. He drops by Batmans house.
Hey Batman, he says Wanna go out tonight?
No I cant, replies Batman. The Batmobile is broken and I gotta stay home and fix it, or else I wont be able to fight crime.
You loser, says Superman and flies away. He decides to stop by Spidermans house. Hey, Spidy, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me, he says.
Id love to, but I cant, replies Spiderman. My web is broken and I gotta fix it to fight crime.
Superman, all disgusted says You loser. Stay home on a Friday night and fix your damn web.
So he flies away. While flying from up above he spots Wonder Woman stark naked and lying down on her back spread-eagle. Superman thinks, Hey, I am Superman, I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quicky and fly back out and she wont even feel it.
Superman flies down, does a quick in-out-in-out and flies back out at the speed of light.
Wonder Woman says, What the hell was that? The Invisible man says, I dont know but my ass is killing me!
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, Sorry, you know the law, youve got to go back across the border right now.
The Mexican man pleads with him, No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, Im going to make it hard for him, and says OK, Ill let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence.
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence.
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green… I pink it up, and sez yellow?
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told
by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.
Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. Ive got a difficult decision the VP says, I either have to Lay You or Jack off.
Oh? jack-off, Mary says, Ive got a headache.
A mans house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.
He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.
Then he goes back in 3 more times without bringing out anybody or anything.
So a bystander is curious and asks him, Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?
The man replies, Im turning over my mother in law.
Youve ever yelled, Hey hippie, get a haircut.