1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to pull my finger.
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the stand! and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large No Refunds sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, As Ally McBeal once said …
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?
14. Just before he says Your Honor, he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, Whatever.
17. He giggles every time he hears the word briefs.
Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to a the other chicken who is your favorite music composer?
The second chicken responds bach, bach, bach!
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me. The husband says WHAT?? The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. Well take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says but you dont even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. The husband says, no – no – no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff. The wifes face goes blank. No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!
What do you call a bunch of white people pushing a car up a hill?
– White power
What do you call a bunch of black people pushing a car up a hill?
– Black power
What do you call a bunch of Mexicans pushing a car up a hill?
– Grand theft auto
Web Site joke submission from George Wilkie
from Humble, TX USA (usr28-dialup12.mix1.bloomington.mci.net)
on 6/2/1998 22:41:50
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the
Net and he wont bother you for weeks.
A biker dies and wakes up in heaven. Upon looking back on his life he realises he shouldnt be here so he says to himself I should ask God why Im here.
When he asks him, God said, There is no Hell. This is the only place you can go.
So the biker looks around and notices
a group of people outside of the pearly gates, kicking themselves in the ass, and he said What about them?
God says They didnt know this was the only place you could go either, so they were good their whole lives.
Why dont mexicans have backyard barbeques?
Because all of the rice and beans fall through the grill.
So the Jamaicans did it with Cool Runnings… not to be outdone, the Israelis had the best downhill slalom skier in the world.
They went up to the Winter Olympics with high hopes of the Gold Medal. Through the practices they watched the Austrians, the Swiss, the Germans, the Italians and the Swedish ski down the hill and through the gates.
But the Israeli KNEW that he had it in the bag. He had easily beaten every one of those other guys times!
Come the day of the competition, the Israeli is drawn to ski last. They watched the Austrian – 35.7 seconds. Then the Italian, 35.2… and so on, until it came to the Israeli entry.
The coach waited anxiously at the bottom…. 6 and a half MINUTES later, the Israeli crossed the line!
The coach was furious. What the h*ll happened to you?! he screeched.
It wasnt my fault! yelled back the skier. Some b*st*rd nailed a mezzuzah to every gate!
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, thats a hardware problem!
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of the mans penis was much longer than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason was to give the man more pleasure during sex.After the US published this study, France decided to do their own study. After spending $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, dissatisfied with both their results, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost $74.46, they concluded it was to keep the mans hand from flying off and hitting him in the head.