Do you know why Santa Claus does not have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and thats down a chimmey.
15
May
15
May
0000 You dont have to worry about X-girlfriends
0001 You know theyll be up all night long.
0010 They take virus protection seriously.
0011 Theyre just like a network, they often go down on you.
0100 They dont BYTE (but they do NIBBLE a little)
1010 They may just live up to their homepage.
0110 If it doesnt work out, you can always DUMP them.
0111 They can turn off interrupts for private moments.
1000 alt.sex.bondage
1001 Theres never a NULL moment.
15
May
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were
the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
Were these dishes ever washed? he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, Of course they were cleaned Father.
Theyre as clean as soap and water could get them.
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells –
Here Soap! Here Water!
15
May
You know your a redneck when… you have your family reunion at the Talladega 500.
15
May
You Just Might Be A Redneck If…
Youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of Most Admired People. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, Hey, yall watch this!
Youve got more than one brother named Darryl. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wifes hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, Gentlemen, start your engines.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. Ya cant get married to yer sweetheart cause theres a law against it.
You dated one of your parents current spouses in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your school fight song is Dueling Banjos. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
15
May
Q: What would king Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now?
A: Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!
15
May
1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nations #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldnt think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. Theyd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
14. Women would rule the world.
15
May
A woman told her doctor she was so flat chested men had little interest in her. No one had even asked her for a date and she was getting desperate.
The doctor told her about a series of exercises that would help solve her problem. The only catch was they had to be done for 15 minutes every day without fail. She was to put her hands in her armpits and bend her elbows backwards as far as she could. This would enlarge her pectoral muscles and help solve her problem.
The doctor also said it would be good to exercise at the same time every day and would help maintain a certain rhythm if she repeated this little phrase while exercising, I must, I must, I must increase my bust.
She opted to exercise at 2 p.m. each day and happened to be waiting for the bus at the designated time. While she was exercising and repeating the exercise phrase, she felt a tap on her shoulder and a man behind her asked if she knew what time it was.
She indicated it was 2:05 p.m. and he said, Oh my goodness, its time!
He then began jumping up and down while saying, Hickory, dickory, doc, I must …
15
May
Q: How many tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to do it, and five to say Its too high for HIM.
15
May
A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.
At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read: When your husband can read this without his glasses, its time to get yourself to the hospital!