Old and New Jokes

(Hairdresser) – I havent seen you for ages.

(They mean) – Youve been going to another hairdresser.

(Hairdresser) – Its got long hasnt it?

(They mean) – Im on fairly safe grounds here.

(Hairdresser) – What kind of shampoo are you using?

(They mean) – There must be some explanation for the state of your hair.

(Hairdresser) – I cant afford a holiday this year.

(They mean) – Please remember I rely on tips.

(Hairdresser) – Are you busy at the moment?

(They mean) – I cant remember what you do.

(Hairdresser) – Do you want anything on it?

(They mean) – After what Ive done, I suggest you wear a hat.

One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what
they were doing. The parents reply was that they were making fish
sticks. So the little boy left it at that.

A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this
time he asks, Are you making fish sticks again?

The parents both reply yes.

The boy remarks, Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your
mouth.

A: E-I-E-I-O

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out Forget this! and walk out triumphantly.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when youre right, but he just hasnt realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, made the dinner.

Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.

What do you call a smart blonde? Extinct

A semi-crippled Libertarian came into a bar and with difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up and asked for a sip of whiskey.

He looked down the bar and asked, Is that Jesus down there?

The bartender nodded and the Libertarian told him to give Jesus a whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Republican with a hunched back who moved slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus.

The bartender nodded and the Republican said to give Him a glass of wine also.

The third patron, a Democrat, swaggered in and said Barkeep, give me a cold beer.

Hey, is that Jesus down there?

The barkeep nodded, and the Democrat told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over and touched the Libertarian and said, For your kindness, you are healed!

The Libertarian felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig all the way to the door.

Jesus touched the republican and said, For your kindness you are healed!

The Republican felt his back straighten. He danced with joy and did a flip.

As Jesus walked toward the Democrat, the Democrat jumped back and exclaimed, Dont touch me, Im drawing disability!

What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Un marido y su esposa al irse a pique un crucero se salvan nadando a una isla desierta donde había un faro abandonado y deciden tomar turnos de 12 horas en la torre para estar en vigía por si avistaban un barco.

A los pocos días otros dos hombres llegan nadando a la playa por la misma razón. Los dos hombres sienten una gran atracción por la mujer del hombre, pero éste hace caso omiso, pues piensa que con dos personas más el trabajo de vigía en la torre va a ser más llevadero, con turnos más cortos.

Una vez uno de los hombres estaba de vigía y a intervalos regulares gritaba: ¡Hey! ¡NO ESTEN FOLLANDOOOOO!

El otro hombre le responde: ¡Nadie está follandoooo! ¡Pierde cuidado!

Empiezan a hacer una lumbre y el hombre de arriba grita de nuevo: ¡Hey! NO ESTEN FOLLANDOOO!

¡Nadie está follandooo! ¡Estamos preparando la comida!

Intrigado, el marido sube a la torre a ver la razón por la cual el hombre grita ese disparate a cada momento. Al ver eso el otro hombre se abalanza sobre la mujer y se la empieza a trincar. Llega el marido a la caseta del faro y al mirar hacia abajo exclama:

¡Diablos, es verdad! ¡Desde aquí sí parece que están follando!