Old and New Jokes

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?

A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, Next.
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: Hes had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isnt all
that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,
Body, howd you like to go to the nine oclock class in vigorous
toning? Clear as a bell my body said, listen bitch… do it and you
die.

If you go outside with your umbrella, then it will stop raining.

Smith
goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss,"
he says, "were doing some heavy house-cleaning
at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with
the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"Were short-handed, Smith," the boss replies.
"I cant give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew
I could count on you!"

[Told by sven@cs.widener.edu (Sven Heinicke) after I mentioned I
finally found out that George Bush not only carries ID with him, but
he also has an American Express Card.]

The King of Sweden, about one year ago, went into a computer store
wanting to buy his son a computer for Christmas. He was going to pay for
it with a credit card, (I dont know what kind of credit card it was)
and the salesman asked him for some ID. His face being on almost
every 1 Kr. (1 crown) coin in Sweden (his father is on some of the old
ones), he took a coin out of his pocket and put it on the table saying
that that was his ID. It seems that that was not good enough and he
finally took out his real ID (I guess he was being smart). But then
when he was walking out of the store with the computer the
anti-shoplifter alarm went off.

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesnt tell you how to have sex
.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They dont force Beer on minors who cant think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you dont knock on peoples doors trying
to give it away.

5. Nobodys ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over
his brand of Beer.

4. You dont have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels cant lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If youve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help
you stop.

Your Mamas so fat…when I bring home the groceries, I have to hire a rodio clown to distract her.

A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canadas IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper, the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

Let me tell you a story, replied the Priest. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!

Simple, replied the Priest…It doesnt matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!

Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…
Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it.
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Sing All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth…
Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:

You have been naughty, and heres the scoop

All you get is the snowmans poop!