Old and New Jokes

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

There is an old Indian Tribe in the Amazon and their chief is getting old and a new, young challenger wants to be chief.

So the wise man of the tribe decides that whoever produces the loudest fart in a week will be chief.

The first few days pass and neither the chief or his young rival have farted.

The wiseman emerges and says, Big Chief no Fart. The next day a truck load of baked beans arrives for the Chief, but at the end of the day the wiseman says, Big Chief no Fart.

The next day, three truckloads arrives for the Chief, but again the wiseman comes out and says,Big Chief no Fart.

The Chief is becoming frustrated and orders an army of trucks loaded with baked beans.

At the end of the day the wiseman comes out and says… Big Fart, no Chief!

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking companys fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

Didnt you say at the scene of the accident, Im fine, asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, Well, Ill tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…

I didnt ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted, just answer the question.

Did you not say at the scene of the accident, Im fine!.

Farmer Joe said, Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I as driving down the road…

The lawyer interrupted again and said, Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joes answer and said to the lawyer, Id like to hear what he has to say.

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didnt want to move. However, I could hear ol Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

1. Watch the sunset– on a sled.

2. Smile more, –it might get you a free beer.

3. Complain less. –It might get you a free beer.

4. Surprise a friend with a call. — It might get you a free beer.

5. Develop your gifts. — You might need them.

6. Count your blessings. — You might need these too!

7. Talk to someone in an elevator. — Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer.

8. Breathe consciously once in a while. — This cures snoring.

9. Enjoy sneezes — and stay behind the one sneezing.

10. Appreciate that your leg isnt broken, — unless you are an actor.

11. Be unique, –it demonstrates difference!

12. Sing in the shower. — With a friend!

13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, — or have someone laugh at you.

14. Make someones day, — or night.

15. Stand on your head. — For a free beer!

16. Stare at the world above you. — Hopefully not from under a bar.

17. Play with an animal. — Be sure it is one which cannot eat you!

18. Slurp Jell-O. –Add Vodka for flavor.

19. Do something unplanned. — Plan to do it this weekend!

20. Plan to do something and have it go as planned. — This is hard!

21. Stand back and look in. — Tell my wife this when shopping all the time.

22. Appreciate a paradox — paradox a appreciate.

23. Dive in. — Naked!

24. Get grass stains. — Naked 🙂

25. Wave your hands in the air.– Use the middle finger at birds.

26. Swim with the fishes. — Again, naked.

27. Make maple syrup. — Dont use pine juice.

28. Climb a tree. –Dont climb a pine.

29. Spin in a circle once while walking to class. — Dont fall in a mud puddle.

30. Tell someone they look nice. — You look nice.

31. Collect something, — like taxes from the tax collector!

32. Walk barefoot every chance you get. — Even in the snow!

33. Build a sand castle, — or a snowman.

34. Walk with no destination. — Talk with no destination.

35. When all your exams are done, treat yourself to an ice cream cone. — OK I WILL! Then a beer.

36. Entertain yourself by making faces. — bend over and see if they look the same.

37. Dont just listen, try to hear. –Then try to listen to a friend.

38. Wear shoes until theyre so old they wont stay on your feet. –Then wear them swimming.

39. Appreciate the primary colors. — Know them!

40. When you wake up, realize youre alive. — Promise not to use vulgarities.

41. Walk in the rain, — with a bar of soap.

42. Blow bubbles, — in the tub!

43. Make the most of where you are. — Ride an Arctic Cat!

44. Jump as high as you can. — Come down on an empty beer can, and recycle it.

45. Dance — in bed

46. Talk less and say more. –Carry a BIG stick.

47. Exercise before you diet. — 12 oz. curls dont count do they?

48. Learn to play chess. — That and Linear Algebra may come in handy.

49. Sit by a river. — With a beer, on an Arctic Cat.

50. Never lose your sense of humor. — You will need it!

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said, I wish you could talk.
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
You can understand what Im saying? asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
Well, did you see this?
Yes, motioned the monkey.
What happened?
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
They were drinking? asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head Yes.
What else?
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
They were smoking marijuana?
The monkey shakes his head Yes.
What else?
The monkey motioned kissing.
They were kissing, too? asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head Yes.
Now wait, youre saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.
The monkey shakes his head Yes.
What were you doing during all this?
Driving motioned the monkey.

What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?

In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation?

– Jane

Dear God, On Holloween I am going to wear a Devils costume, Is that all right with you?

– Marnie

Dear God, Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident.

– Norma

There were once 3 blondes on an island, but they couldnt find a way off. But while searching, one of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out.

I will grant you each a wish, he said.

Why not, thought the blondes. Its worth a try.

I want to be the worlds best swimmer one said, so can swim off of the island. She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away.

I want to be a bird one said, and flew away immediately.

The 3rd, and last one thought for a while. I want to be a man. Maybe that would help. She was instantly transformed into a man, then walked across the bridge to the mainland, where she joined her two friends.

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be jailed for contempt!

1. Well, how bout that? Im lost! Looks like well have to stop and ask for directions.
2. You know Pumpkin, now that youre thirteen, youll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Wont that be fun?
3. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
4. Heres a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
5. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating is not good enough for you, son?
6. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
7. Well, I dont know whats wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies–ya know– that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
8. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and lets go to the mall.
9. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Heres $100.
10. What do I want for Fathers day? Aahh — dont worry about that. Its no big deal.