Old and New Jokes

Este era un hombre que fue a la iglesia a confesarse:

Padre, perdóneme.

¿Qué te pasa hijo mío?

Verá padre, es que… a mí me gustan los hombres, padre…

¿Qué dices, hijo mío?

Sí, padre… y eso no es nada… a mi padre también le gustan los hombres…

Por el amor de nuestro Señor, hijo…

Y eso no es todo padre… a mis hermanos también le gustan los hombres…

Hijo mío… interrumpió el padre ¿es que en tu familia no hay nadie a quien le gusten las mujeres?

Sí padre… contesta el hombre, a mi madre…

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals –

Crisco? Crisco? CRIS–CO!!!!



Finally a store clerk approached.

Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.

Oh, replied the old guy, Im not looking for Crisco, Im calling my wife.



Your wife is named Crisco?

Nah, he answered, I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.



Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?

Lard Ass!

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the
fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms
a positive, while in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative. However, he pointed out, in no language can
a double positive form a negative.

A bored voice from the back of the room responded, Yeah, yeah….

[Ed: Reportedly a true incident, accounted in the New Yorker Magazine. ]

<I think I originally saw this in Playboy>

Miss Jones, we cant employ you as a model, the editor from the mens
magazine explained. Its too obvious that your blonde hair isnt natural,
since the hair between your legs is black.

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editors fingers.

What the hell did you do that for! he exploded. She smiled sweetly and
said, Look at your fingers. Theyre turning black, right? And theyve
only been banged once.

Ms. Nice Guy
Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldnt have

Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller
You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Cant you see youre making me miserable??

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly
Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser
Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Dont give me that look.

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes, Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
I just cant decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw cmon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control
Ive got an idea. Lez get drunk an make love onna front lawn. I done it before. Sfun.

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy
I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at

Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars
I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl
I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Doesnt exist (but if she did, shed have nothing to do with you)

A couple went to a ski-lodge on their honeymoon and spent the first three days in their room making love.

When they decided to join their friends in the bar downstairs, the husband suggested they could avoid embarrassment by putting on their skiing clothes, jumping out the window and getting snow all over themselves.

Then they could stroll into the bar pretending they had been out skiing most of the time. As they walked into the bar brushing snow off of each other, the husband said in a loud voice, Wow! Anyone who doesnt enjoy screwing must have a ski loose!

what did the lady on the beach say

to Micheal Jackson ?

A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.What for! he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, Twenty dollars for contempt of court! Thats why! As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, Thats all right. You dont have to pay now. The young man replied, I know. Im just checking to see if I have enough for two more words.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale and we dont even have a fridge to keep it in.

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car, he laments, and she doesnt even know how to drive!

The Irishman nods sagely and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it, he chuckles. my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesnt even have a penis!

Patient: Doctor,Doctor… Ive got five penises! Doctor: Well, how do your pants fit? Patient: Like a glove!