Because everywhere you sat, you sat behind a Pole.
23
Apr
23
Apr
– Only if they dont work.
23
Apr
A maadu named Hariharan lived in New York city. Once he went to a bank to request a loan of $5000 as he was about to leave for a business trip to Europe. The bank agreed for the loan but asked for a guarantee. The maadu immediately handed the bank manager the keys to his brand new rolls royce that was parked downstairs. The bank people agreed and parked the rolls royce in their parking lot. The maadu took the $5000 and went to Europe. He returned after a week. The bank asked him $12.50 interest on the loan. The maadu payed the amount and the interest and was about to leave before the bank manager stopped him for a minute. The manager told the maadu that he was pleased to do business with the maadu but he also told that, sir,we checked your accounts and we came to know that you are a millionaire,then why did you borrow just $5000 from us? the maadu replied, its not the $5000 that matter ,what matters is that I couldnt have found a parking for my car in $12.50 for 1 week.
23
Apr
A man, called to testify at the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper, the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. Dont let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
Let me tell you a story, replied the Rabbi. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
Wear a heavy, long, flannel night-gown that goes right up to your neck.
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.
Wear your most sexy underwear.
The man protested, What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?
The Rabbi replied, No matter what you wear my son, youre going to get screwed.
23
Apr
As told to me by a friend in the British Army:
A British officer spotted a busker (street singer/bum) at the
bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker
had a sign which read: VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR.
The officer thought, Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!
Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of
his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted
with a hearty: Gracias, Senor!!
23
Apr
A woman asked her doctor for birth control pills.
Maam, how old are you?
Im 75.
What possible need do you have for birth control pills?
They help me sleep better.
The doctor looked perplexed, Just how do birth control pills help you
sleep?
I sneak them into my granddaughters orange juice every morning!
23
Apr
What do I know about sex? Im a married man.
– Tom Clancy
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesomethings that money can buy.
– Steve Martin
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
– Drew Carey
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go its pretty damned good.
– Woody Allen
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you dont have a good partner, youd better have a good hand.
– Unknown
If it werent for pickpockets Id have no sex life at all.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
– Dick Brandon
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
– Richard Feynman
All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after youve done it.
– Robert Waldo Brunelle, Jr.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
– Woody Allen
I think there are two areas where new ideas are terribly dangerous: economics and sex. By and large, its all been tried, and if its really new, its probably illegal or dangerous or unhealthy.
– Felix G. Rohatyn
It isnt premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
– Matt Barry
Love aint nothin but sex misspelled.
– Harlan Ellison
Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.
– Unknown
Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
– Michael Sinz
Remember, if you smoke after sex youre doing it too fast.
– Woody Allen
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
– George Burns
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
– Henry Miller
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
– P. J. O Rourke
I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, youd find at least one sex scene.
– Dave Barry
23
Apr
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, Whats the camel for?.
The Sergeant replied Well sir its a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.
The captain said Well if its good for moral, then I guess its all right with me.
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, Is that how the enlisted men do it?
The Sergeant replied, Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.
23
Apr
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund1970: KEG
2000: EKG1970: Acid Rock
2000: Acid Reflux1970: Moving to California because its cool
2000: Moving to California because its warm1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly1970: Watching John Glenns historic flight with your parents
2000: Watching John Glenns historic flight with your children1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage1970: Our presidents struggle with Fidel
2000: Our presidents struggle with fidelity1970: Paar
2000: AARP1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Getting a new hip joint1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones1970: Being called into the principals office
2000: Calling the principals office1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved1970: Take acid
2000: Take antacid1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test1970: Whatever
2000: Depends
23
Apr
Source: Colleague at Wash. Dept. of Info. Services, Olympia, Washington
o Trust everybody … then cut the cards.
o Two wrongs are only the beginning.
o If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
o To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
o Exceptions prove the rule … and wreck the budget.
o Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
o Quality assurance doesnt.
o The tough part of a Data Processing Managers job is that users dont really
know what they want, but they know for certain what they dont want.
o Exceptions always outnumber rules.
o To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
o No one is listening until you make a mistake.
o He who hesitates is probably right.
o The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
o If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
o One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
o A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
o The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
bread.
o The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
o When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
o The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
o The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
o You never want the one you can afford.
o Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
price.
o If it says, one size fits all, it dosent fit anyone.
o You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
o The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
o Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
o When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
while all other coins will roll out of sight.
o The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
o Experience is somthing you dont get until just after you need it.
o Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
o Interchangeable parts wont.
o No matter which way you go, its uphill and against the wind.
o If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
o Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of
incompetence.
o Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
o No mans life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
o The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
o As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline re-encounters
turbulence.
o For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
o People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of
them being made.
o A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
o When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
illegible.
o A free agent is anything but.
o The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
o Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
o The one item you want is never the one on sale.
o The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your
keys.
o If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
unreasonable.