Old and New Jokes

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

11… One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS? he yelled. No one answered. ALL RIGHT, IM GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AINT BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, IM GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DONT LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas? The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “Ill give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“Whats so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get angry.”

There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes & they were chanting 44 days! 44 days! One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, Why are you chanting 44 days? She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
Where have you been?

asks his wife.
In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal! This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
Do you have golden chairs?

Yes.

Do you have golden glasses?

Yes.

Do you have golden beer?

Yes.

Do you have a golden urinal?

Hold on.

On the other end, she hears I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
Sir, the cop says.

Why do you have all those knives?

Theyre for my juggling act, the man says.

I dont believe you, says the cop.

Prove it.

So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

Man, says the first guy.

Im glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, If you were my husband I would poison your drink.

The man replied, If you were my wife I would drink it.

You got any overdue library books? Cause you got fine written all over you!

3 guyes walk into a bar

2 of them duck

Men are like coolers……load them with beer and you can take them anywhere… Men are like chocolate bars….. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips…. Men are like horoscopes….. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong….