Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…

Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet Ms. Right

You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.

In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

Youve ever spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You might be a redneck if…

Youve ever hitchhiked naked,

Youre turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

Your bumper sticker says, My other car is a combine.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

Youve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

Youve ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You think mud rasslin should be an Olympic sport.

The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You list your parole officer as a reference.

There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You might be a redneck if…

After the divorce you still call your Ex Cuz.

You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.

You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.

The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.

Your grandmother stands up to pee.

A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, About what?

You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.

Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.

In the delivery room, your husband says, Thats worse than skinning a deer!

You have sworn on your mothers grave while she is standing beside you.

You refer to your cousin as my girlfriend.

You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

You got your tater gun hangin over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

Youve ever entered yourself in a Howdy Doody Look-alike Contest.

You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.

Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents Ma and Pa.

Every time Timmys mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear. One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.

Gee, its mighty dark in here, Timmy said.

Yes, it sure is, replied the boyfriend.

You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks? asked Timmy.

No way, kid. Youre crazy, said the boyfriend.

Ill scream, said Timmy.

So the boyfriend forked over the money. The next time Timmys grandmother came to visit, she noticed that her grandson was buying candy, ice cream and comic books. Where did you get the money for all those things? she asked, but Timmy wouldnt tell her. Well, if you wont tell me, youll have to go to confession and tell the priest, said Grandma, and dragged Timmy off to the church.

As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, Gee, its mighty dark in here.

Are you going to start that shit again? the priest replied.

There were three golfers.

One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green.

The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green.

As you may have guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus.

The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water.

However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.

As the fish was about to go back into the water, a eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away.

Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle.

Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole.

Then Jesus shouted, Dad! If you do that again,Im going to stop inviting you to play golf with us!

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.

Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!

Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy is in his presence.

This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, Hey, dont you know who I am?

The man says, Yep, sure do.

Satan says, Well, arent you afraid of me?

The man says, Nope, sure aint.

Satan, perturbed, says, And why arent you afraid of me?

Well, Ive been married to your sister for 25 years.

A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent.

The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him.

Twenty bucks a trick!

These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent.

Once inside he displays his naiveté by asking the Mother Superior, What is a trick?

She answers, Twenty bucks — just like on the street.

Up in heaven there is a white picket fence. On one side stood GOD on the other side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen.

The devils helpers were kicking holes in the fence.

GOD said if you dont tell them to stop, Ill sue you.

Satan started laughing and replied You think youll find a lawyer on your side of the fence?

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, “I better open this one and see what it’s all about.”

So he opened it and it read: “Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check.” “Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.” “I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?”

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?” “Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. “ “By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office.”

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in):

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

‘Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.

St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

‘Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, A man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Bless their little hearts!