Old and New Jokes

A young new salesman had just started his job at a General Store ,

His boss told him that they were overstocked with Lawnmowers. If he was to sell the most Lawnmowers that day he would get a bonus in his pay.

His first customer was a woman that asked him for Sanitary Napkins.

As he calmly reached for the box he asked her if she would like to buy a Lawnmower.

The woman replied in a stern voice what do I need a Lawnmower for?

The young salesman answered well you cant have sex so you might as well mow the lawn

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, hows about a quick screw? said Bert. Mabels answer as expected was, No Bert, its only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize.

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, It is still 5 days to go and as youve been a good fellow,
Ill let you have a little feel of your prize.

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, I can see what your problem is but youve still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize.

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabels skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, Mabel, do you think it will keep till Saturday?!?

A guy walked into the doctors office wanting a an appointment for some surgery.

Would you like to tell me your problem? the pretty receptionist asked. Ill need the information for the doctor.

Its rather embarrassing, the guy stammered. You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection.

Well, the doctor is very busy today, the receptionist cooed, but maybe I can squeeze you in.

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis.

The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.

Well, the patient said, I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine.

I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit.

Each afternoon shed take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor.

Then shed sit on it and have a ball.

She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole.

She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.

And then? said the doctor. Aw hell, the patient explained.

Thats when she tried to kick it under the stove.

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew the rug – and the woman – over the railing. God, that was stupid, she thought as she fell. What a way to die.

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, Do you suck?

No! she shrieked, aghast. So he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. Do you fuck? he asked.

Of course not! she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.

As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. I suck!, I fuck! she screamed in panic.

Slut, he said… and dropped her.

Quirky Business Signs

* On the door of a dental office: We cater to cowards!

* On a plumbers truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

* On the trucks of a local plumbing company: Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

* Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.

* Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

* In a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

* Door of a plastic surgeons office: We can help you pick your nose!

* On an electricians truck: Let us remove your shorts.

* In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

* On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.

* At an optometrists office: If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.

* In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. Well wait!

Three buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven and attend an orientation.

They are all asked, When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says, I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, I would like to hear them say, Look! Hes moving!

A man asked the waiter for a look at the dessert menu, which the waiter produced from a special pouch in his uniform. The man ordered a desert, and the waiter relayed the information to the kitchen via a special communications device built into his wrist watch. When desert arrived, the man was without a spoon. The waiter produced one from his breast pocket.

The man was amazed. He asked the waiter how it is that the waiter is so well prepared to handle every problem without ever having to return to the kitchen. The waiter answered that the owner is an efficiency expert who wanted everything to run without a wasted moment.

The man asked the purpose of the string tied to every waiters trousers. The waiter replied that, when he uses the urinal, he avoids dirtying his hands (and therefore doesnt need to waste time washing them). He simply pulls the string, and his penis pops out.

The man asked the waiter how he gets his penis back in. The waiter replied,

Thats easy…. I use the spoon.

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, youll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, Shell never go for me carrying on like that, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married. It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight! She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rrriiiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, Surprise!!! To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.