Old and New Jokes

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides hed be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. Youve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, Ill need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!-

Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster wont even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what youve done to yourself.

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, Shhh, theyre getting closer.

What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.

Incredible!, says his friend.

Medical science is amazing.

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

Incredible!, says his friend.

Medical science is amazing!

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but cant find him.

He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: Did you actually see the accident?

The witness: Yes, sir.

The lawyer: How far away were you when the accident happened?

The witness: Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.

The lawyer (thinking hed trap the witness): Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?

The witness: Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.

St Peter is standing at Heavens gate when a man walks up.

Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

I was a policeman, he responded.

What kind of policeman?

St Peter asked.

I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.

Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.

A few moments later a second man walks up.

Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

I was a policeman, he responded.

What kind of policeman?

St Peter asked.

I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travellers.

Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.

A few moments later a third man walks up.

Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

I was a policeman, he responded.

What kind of policeman?

St Peter asked.

I was an Air Force Security Policeman, sir.

Excellent my son… Ive gotta take a pee, watch the gate, will ya?

My name is Delores, and I have a Snotty Nose! All my friends tell me to grab tissue, but I say NO! I do not think that is necessary! I think my cousins best friends brothers sleeve looks much softer! so I blew and I blew and I mean I BLEW! And beleive me, I have not blown my nose for 8 years! thanx for listenin!

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.

They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

The answer is below, but think about it first…

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Answer: Dont look down.

Little Red Riding Hood was already to take lunch over to her grandmothers when her mother had handed her a shotgun.

Now, little red, you must be careful of the Big Bad Wolf, her mother explained.

He will lift up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off.

Ok, I will mother.

red assured her.

While going down the trail out came the big bad wolf just like her mother had warned.

Little Red Riding Hood! Im going to lift you little red dress up, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off!

Well with no hesitation, the wolf pulled up Little Red Riding Hoods little red dress and pulled down Little Red Riding Hoods little red panties, but just then with a clam and collected look, Little Red Riding Hood points the shot gun to the Big Bad Wolfs head and says, Your not going to screw my little red socks off. Your going to EAT me just like the book says!

Dave had felt guilty all day long. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, he couldnt. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while hed hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him, Dave, dont worry about it, you werent the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you wont be the last. And youre single. Let it go!

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, Dave, youre a vet….

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed. The man asks the woman why shes so down and she replies, My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.

What a coincidence! he said, My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too.

So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the womans apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap- on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door.

Whats going on?

, she asks.

I thought you wanted to get kinky?

He turns around and says, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. Im all done.