I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently. When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.
I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This should not affect my ability to hear whats going on at the other end of the line, of course. And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. Your call is important to us, the caressing voice always claims.
I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: Actually, we already have your money, so we couldnt care less. Our technical support department consists of two college kids, both of whom are busy playing Doom. Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who doesnt speak English.
I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an illegal function and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me. I dont understand why new, upgraded software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why cant 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? Its all just words, isnt it?
There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they dont understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them.
How come when my computer catches a virus, Im the one who misses work? I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.
I am really tired of hearing about all the things that happened with Y2K. Why didnt anybody ever ask these computer programmers how in the world they didnt know the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people – what did they need – a memo or something? I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my computer files are Y2K-compliant. The program wouldnt work because – get this – my CD-ROM player is too old (I bought it 34 months ago). The manufacturer doesnt sell an updated driver. Thus, to find out if my computer is Y2K-compliant, I need to buy another computer.
I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 matches to my keyword. Thats like saying, Good news, weve located the product you want. Its on Earth.
I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every upgrade, it seems to grow 75 percent. Thats as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.
Now Ive found out that my PC no longer recognizes my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other? They live together in the same little tower!
Please understand, I dont hate my computer…I just want to hurt it every once in a while!
I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system.
My colleague Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password Penis.
We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
-You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
-Your job is interfering with your drinking.
-Youre doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
-Career wont progress beyond the court.
-You sincerely believe alcohol to be to elusive 5th food group.
-Two hands and just one mouth – becoming a huge problem.
-You can focus better with one eye closed.
-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
-You fall off the floor…
-Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger! Screw dinner!
– At AA meetings you begin with: Hi, my name is …uh ….
-Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
– You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmm
– Roseanne looks good.
– That damn pink elephant followed you home again.
Mick and Paddy get off a ship and head for the nearest bar. Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order two more whiskeys and once again quickly throw them back. They then order another two whiskeys apiece.
Paddy picks up one of his drinks, turns to Mick and says, Cheers!
Mick turns to Paddy and says, Hey, did you come here to bullshit, or did you come here to drink?
Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two oclock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didnt work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next but that didnt work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldnt get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I cant have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I cant believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely,
Doctors stories-You cant make this stuff up. (Sometimes the truth is funnier than fiction!)
A man comes into the ER and yells My wifes going to have her baby in the cab! I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the ladys dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one!
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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patients anterior chest wall. Big breaths, I instructed. Yes, they used to be, remorsed the patient.
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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart.
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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, Cover your right eye with your hand. He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left. Again, a flawless read.
Now both, I requested.
There was silence. He couldnt even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with BOTH his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam
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And of course, the best is saved for last…. I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So hows your breakfast this morning?
Its very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I cant seem to get used to the taste, the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly!
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, Hey Doc can I ask you a question?
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fixem, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic….. Try doing it with the engine running!
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.
On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.
Well, all right, the doctor said. On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios…
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. But how? inquired the lawyer. You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.
The jury foreman replied: Oh, we looked, but your client didnt.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial – it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.