A blonde was driving her car one day, when she ran into a hailstorm. The hail stones were very large and made a lot of dents in the roof of her car. After the hail stopped, she went to a gas station and asked the attendant what she could do to get the dents out of her car.
The attendant, being a smart-ass, told her: Blow real hard into the exhaust pipe, and that should push out the dents.
When the blonde got home, not knowing any better, she did just that. While she was down on her hands and knees with her lips wrapped around her cars tailpipe, huffing and puffing trying to blow the dents out, her roommate-also a blonde-came home.
Her roommate of course asked her what the heck she was doing.
The first blonde told her how the guy at the gas station said this was how she could get the dents out.
The second blonde thought about it for a moment, then said: Like, uh, you have to roll-up the windows first.
(sing to the tune of Gilligans Island)
Just sit right back and youll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date
RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
Four digits are extravagant,
So lets get by with two.
So lets get by with two.
This works through 1999,
The programmers did say.
Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away.
But management had not a clue;
It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We wont do it just yet.
We wont do it just yet.
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail wont bring your pension check;
It wont be sent to you
When youre no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems were about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of codes
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.
[[ key change, the big finish coming]]
Theres not much time, theres too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
BACKUP – What you do when you run over a coon in the woods
BAR CODE – Thems the fightn rules down at the local tavern
BUG – The reason you give for calling out sick
CACHE – Neede when you run out of food stamps
CHIP – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL – Time to call the undertaker
CRASH – When you go to Juniors party univited
DIGITAL – The art of countining on you fingers
DISKETTE – Female Disco dancer
FAX – What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER – Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET – Where cafeteria workers put ther hair
KEYBOARD – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC – Big Bubbas favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ – How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD – Where Mickey and Minnie lives
ONLINE – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM – Where the pope lives
INTERNET – Where cafeteria workers put ther hair
KEYBOARD – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC – Big Bubbas favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ – How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD – Where Mickey and Minnie lives
ONLINE – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM – Where the pope lives
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before in your case; Im going to let you decide where you want to go.
Bill replied, well, whats the difference between the two?
St. Peter said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.
Fine, but where should I go first?
Ill leave that up to you.
Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
This is great! he told St. Peter. If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!
Fine, said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
Hmmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he told St. Peter.
Fine, retorted St. Peter, as you desire.
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
Hows everything going? he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??? That was a demo, replied St. Peter.
Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
If you aim it well enough
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, What have you done to enter Heaven?
I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lords babies into the world.
Good enough to enter the gates, replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.
I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor. St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, I am a director of a HMO.
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, Fine, you can enter Heaven… but only for 2 days.
Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?
A: Her way of not getting pregnant.
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, I heard you died.
But you see Im alive , smiled the friend.
Impossible, said the psychiatrist. The man who told me is much more reliable than you.
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?
She says, I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old. She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?
She says, Well, your name never came up.
A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office.
The doctor asked, What can I do for you?
The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, Just exactly what are you trying to find out?
The old man replied, Were not trying to find out anything. She is married and we cant go to her house. I am married so we cant go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctors office.