A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:
Ah, youre lovely, arent you? she says to the first dog. Whats your name?
To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, My names Huey, and Ive had a great day going in and out of puddles.
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. And whats your name then?
Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, My names Lewy, and Ive had a great day going in and out of puddles.
And so she moves on to the last dog. Let me guess, she says. your names Dewy, and youve had a great day going in and out of puddles.
No, replies the last dog. My names Puddles, and Ive had an awful day.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cats motto: No matter what youve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that wont feed you fast enough.
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You cant get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Cats arent clean, theyre just covered with cat spit.
Cats dont hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they dont, so thats all right.
Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Cats know what we feel. They dont care, but they know.
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
In a cats eye, all things belong to cats.
On the Internet, nobody knows youre a cat.
One cat just leads to another.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
You can always tell a cat, but you cant tell him much.
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
Dear, she chirped, I think its time to tell him hes adopted.
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you cant get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when theyre busy.
Climb your way to the top, thats why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, I care.
A baby polar bear asks his mother Mommy, am I 100% polar bear? The mother looks up in thought, and replies Well, your father is 100% polar bear, and Im 100% polar bear, so Id say yes, youre 100% polar bear.
Not satisfied with this answer, the baby polar bear goes to his father and asks Daddy, am I 100% polar bear? The father pauses briefly, and responds Well, your moms parents were both 100% polar bear, and my parents were both 100% polar bear, so yes, youre 100% polar bear.
The father then looks at his son and says why do you ask?
The son replies because Im FUCKING FREEZING!!!!
A sparrow decides that it is too hard a flight to go south in the winter and refuses to migrate when the other birds leave.
Winter sets in and finally gets so bad that even the sparrow realizes he needs to head south. But he is no sooner in flight than ice forms on his wings and he falls to the ground. There on the cold, hard ground he is freezing to death until a cow comes by and flops on him. The warm of the cows droppings began to warm him up and he feels so good he jumps up and starts singing. The farm cat hears him and pulls him out of his messy condition, cleans him up and eats him! The morals of this story are:
[1] Not everybody who shits on you is your enemy.
[2] Not everybody who gets you out of shit is your friend.
[3] If, and when, you do get out of shit keep your mouth shut!
Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer wont be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch and says: My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch.
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.
The customer drinks it down and says, That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch.
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink.
Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.
Angus downs the Scotch and says, Now this is forty-year old Scotch!
The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own: I bet you think youre real smart, slurs the drunk. Here, take a swig of this.
Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.
My God! Angus exclaims. That tastes like piss!
Great guess, says the drunk. Now, how old am I?
A man walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.
Bartender says, You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?
The guy says, Oh, I want them both now. Ive got my best buddy in my pocket here. and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks You mean to say, He can drink that much?
Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some. the man retorted.
So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
Thats amazing says the bartender.
What else can he do, can he walk?
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter. The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock.
Thats amazing, he says, what else can he do? Does he talk?
The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks Talk? Sure *he* talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a Jerk!
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!
The bartender does nothing.
So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.
Jesus! He just jumped again!
The bartender ignores the man.
So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.
How did you survive that jump?..I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float.
So the guy quickly orders a floatie drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and…SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!
The Bartender then says, You know, Superman…you can be a real jerk when youre drunk.
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, How is this possible? The guy says,Tonight Im the designated decoy.