An old lady walks into a plastic surgeons office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years.
The old lady says Well tell me about them.
The doctor says, For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for.
She responds, Forget that one, what about the next one.
He explains, For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years.
The lady says, No, thats no good either, what about the last one.
The doctor replies, For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw.
The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!
The doctor leans back in his chair and says, Lady you arent getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, youre going to have a mustache.
There was a time when an apple a day kept the doctor away, but now its malpractice insurance.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?
But why? asks the man.
Im a divorce lawyer, the man replies.
A young lawyer went to work generating billable hours at a prestigious law firm. After six months of 20-hour days, the senior partner who had become his mentor told him that if he continued this diligence, he might someday be considered for partner.
After another six months, the electricity went out one night in his office. Not being able to work, he headed home a bit earlier than usual. When he arrived there, his mentors car was in his driveway and all the lights were out.
Fearing the worst, he quietly entered the front door, removed his shoes, and tiptoed upstairs where he could see by moonlight his wife and his mentor in a passionate, naked embrace.
He stole back down the steps, let his car roll silently out of the driveway without starting it, then drove back to his dark office, where he sat sweating in his chair and said, Whew, I almost got caught.
15. Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street — A Times Square Christmas
14. Spike Lees Get On the Sleigh
13. Van Damme IS Santa Claude
12. Michael Jackson stars in Im Dreaming of a White Christmas
11. The Deep II — A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted
10. Theres No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in Naked Buns II
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in Grumpy Old Elves
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in Reindeer Man (Of course, Id be an excellent President.)
6. Its a Wonderful Life, My Ass — Pass the Malt Liquor
5. Steven Segal IS MissleToe
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in Ho, Ho, Ho!
3. Hes got a red nose and an Uzi. And hes about to teach them some new reindeer games in Rudolph II — First Blood
2. Blazing Saddles 2 — How the Stench Stole Christmas
1. No, YOU Open It! — A Ted Kaczynski Christmas
The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings had been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control].
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, todays global challenges required the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French!]
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrade in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction is assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days in inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it aint.
Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.
If ya cant beat em, E A T E M !!!!!!!!
Paula Jones….Close But NO CIGAR!!
Entry 1
Dear Diary,
Im so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House…. and I dont know a thing about medicine. Dont even know what my duties are yet, but I hope its a hands on position. Entry 2
Dear Diary,
You wont believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when-guess what-the president walked in. He said, You must be the new intern. That man is psychic! I hope he likes me. Entry 3
Dear Diary,
I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them. Entry 4
Dear Diary,
He really likes me. Entry 5
Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like theyre going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me 1-900 Monica. (That means he thinks Im one in nine hundred. Thats pretty special.) Entry 6
Dear Diary,
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. Shes really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word conditioner? She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald. Entry 7
Dear Diary,
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner. Entry 8
Dear Diary,
Oh-oh. The bad news: Ive been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. Im going job hunting with him tomorrow. Entry 9
Dear Diary,
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag. Entry 10
Dear Diary,
Ive had it. Im never going to be an intern again. Im going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work. Entry 11
Dear Diary,
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would I hope Spielberg will direct