A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texans offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?.
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, Give me six double vodka.
The barman says, Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.
Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?
Yeah, my wife!
Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples:
* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.
Guess which has occured?
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You cant teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C: is the root of all directories.
8. Dont put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Dont byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. Theres no place like http://www.home.com.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he wont bother you for weeks.
Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who dont are somehow inferior.
8. Those who dont have it may agree that its neat, but think its not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who dont have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call E-mail Envy.
6. Its more fun when its up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you dont take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason Why e-mail is like a penis.
1. If you play with it too much, youll go blind!
The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned
Winerr 000 – Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
Winerr 001 – Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
Winerr 002 – Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 – RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 – Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 – Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 – Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 007 – Alphanumeric Sequence OS2 Prohibited
Winerr 008 – This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 – Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A – Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B – Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 00C – Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D – User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E – Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
Winerr 00F – Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 – Virus Error – Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
Winerr 011 – Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 – Cash Underflow – Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 – Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 – User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 – Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 – Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 – Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 – Network Error – Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 – Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
Winerr 01A – Insult Detected — Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B – Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C – Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D – Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E – Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F – Error In Progress; Please Wait….
Winerr 020 – Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 – Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 – Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything
After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesnt pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, Id like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, heres your Big Mac and heres your Coke. Thatll be $3.99.
Joe: Uh, I dont want a Coke.
Cashier: Sorry, theyre bundled.
Joe: What? Im not paying for a Coke!
Cashier: You dont; the Coke is free.
Joe: But wasnt a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. Its got integrated Coke!
Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street… Im not going to drink the Coke.
Cashier: Then you cant have the burger.
Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
Cashier: Oh, you cant do that. Theyre seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.
Joe: How can that be? Theyre two totally separate things!
Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?
Joe: Why did you just do that?!
Cashier: Its a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise youd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way youre assured of continuous taste across all your foods.
Joe: Aaarrgh!
Bill Gates compares the computer industry with General Motors
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.
Youd press the start button to shut off the engine.
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: Thats great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-333, with 64 Megs of RAM, a 6 Gig hard drive, and a 32X CD-ROM.
Abbot: Thats terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I dont know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: Thats exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I dont know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And youre going to train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: Thats true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesnt actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You dont have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! Thats not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Dont say it, Start!
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But thats what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Dont be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think its about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
10 signs You are an Internet Geek
10. When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is Hi, whats your URL?
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. Youre amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You ping people to see if theyre awake, finger them to find out how they are, and AYT them to make sure theyre listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as mylady@home.wife and refer to your children as client applications.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as my domain server.
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, I feel so colon-right parentheses!
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: Pizzas Here!